In my wise, old age, I'm discovering something new about me.
I get stir crazy.
It's getting worse as I get older!
Truly though, in my head I'm never just ok with everything being standard and comfortable, I am always looking for something new and exciting to be doing! If things get to the point where they're mundane I'm not happy. Even in my music selection, the same old sound bores me after a while. I'm beginning to think that this condition is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I always have something to work for, a curse because I am never content. Because this is something that I'm only just getting to know about myself, I haven't really decided how I feel about it yet.
I loved St. George, and then I loved moving home, and then the feeling of things getting normal started settling in and now I'm loving the idea of hitting the road and being out in the world a little bit. But, I'm also putting feelers out there for what I'm going to do when I grow weary of the road. I think that this is my fear of commitment in any way, shape or form taking over another aspect of my life.
In the meantime I guess I'll just sit back and try and enjoy the ride :)
Aroha
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Moments...
The past couple of days I have been thinking a lot about moments.
One moment can change your life.
One minuscule second in the grand scheme of things, and just like that, every thing's different.
I think moments are powerful partly because that's all that it takes to get an idea, and ideas are where actions and course corrections really come from.
Moments are what we live for. When we're old and grey (God willing) and we're looking back at our lives, it's going to be moments that we see.
Moments when our minds were opened to new ideas/concepts and our whole lives shifted to accommodate that new viewpoint, sometimes changing the entire direction we were traveling. How we got to the point that we're at, will be because of enlightening moments. Whether this was from deep personal searching, or someone else teaching you something valuable, or making a mistake and learning a major lesson from it.
Moments when you realize you love someone. This is a big one, because there are many different types and levels of love, but either way, whatever the circumstance, love is something that stays with you forever one way or another. Whether it's realizing that the love you felt for someone was unhealthy and getting out of the situation, or realizing that the ache you feel inside once someone leaves was because you loved them. Realizing when it's too late that you loved someone in return, and not being able to do anything about it. Coming to see just how much you love your family, even though it's all so complicated. Love is what this life is made for.
Moments where you risk it all and go with your gut. When you go against all reason and what everyone around you is telling you, and go with your heart. Big loss, big return. It goes one of two ways. There really is no way to feel more alive than to put it all on the line, that's what I always say.
Moments where you live out a piece of your dream, when you feel that real sense of accomplishment. Those times when you literally can feel yourself alive. Or moments where you can't see the light and don't know where you're supposed to go, you either make a move and shake things up and live, or you stay put and become stagnant waiting for the world to turn your way. Those are the moments that you either treasure or you regret.
I don't want to live with regret, and so far that's the way that I've lived my life. I have made my choices, both in how I act and how I react, and I have come to peace with them all. I've learned some lessons that I never thought I would. You know what though? I wouldn't change a minute of it. Every moment in my life is one that I treasure, the good the bad and the ugly. All of them. The moments that I've laughed, and the moments that I've cried. The moments that I never wanted to end and the moments that the gravity of the situation has sunk in and it couldn't pass quickly enough. When I recall those events, they let me know that I'm ALIVE. I haven't just been going through the motions of a life, but I've been an active participant in the creation of my life.
I love my moments. All of them.
And I love you guys for helping, on so many occasions, to create those moments with me :)
Aroha
One moment can change your life.
One minuscule second in the grand scheme of things, and just like that, every thing's different.
I think moments are powerful partly because that's all that it takes to get an idea, and ideas are where actions and course corrections really come from.
Moments are what we live for. When we're old and grey (God willing) and we're looking back at our lives, it's going to be moments that we see.
Moments when our minds were opened to new ideas/concepts and our whole lives shifted to accommodate that new viewpoint, sometimes changing the entire direction we were traveling. How we got to the point that we're at, will be because of enlightening moments. Whether this was from deep personal searching, or someone else teaching you something valuable, or making a mistake and learning a major lesson from it.
Moments when you realize you love someone. This is a big one, because there are many different types and levels of love, but either way, whatever the circumstance, love is something that stays with you forever one way or another. Whether it's realizing that the love you felt for someone was unhealthy and getting out of the situation, or realizing that the ache you feel inside once someone leaves was because you loved them. Realizing when it's too late that you loved someone in return, and not being able to do anything about it. Coming to see just how much you love your family, even though it's all so complicated. Love is what this life is made for.
Moments where you risk it all and go with your gut. When you go against all reason and what everyone around you is telling you, and go with your heart. Big loss, big return. It goes one of two ways. There really is no way to feel more alive than to put it all on the line, that's what I always say.
Moments where you live out a piece of your dream, when you feel that real sense of accomplishment. Those times when you literally can feel yourself alive. Or moments where you can't see the light and don't know where you're supposed to go, you either make a move and shake things up and live, or you stay put and become stagnant waiting for the world to turn your way. Those are the moments that you either treasure or you regret.
I don't want to live with regret, and so far that's the way that I've lived my life. I have made my choices, both in how I act and how I react, and I have come to peace with them all. I've learned some lessons that I never thought I would. You know what though? I wouldn't change a minute of it. Every moment in my life is one that I treasure, the good the bad and the ugly. All of them. The moments that I've laughed, and the moments that I've cried. The moments that I never wanted to end and the moments that the gravity of the situation has sunk in and it couldn't pass quickly enough. When I recall those events, they let me know that I'm ALIVE. I haven't just been going through the motions of a life, but I've been an active participant in the creation of my life.
I love my moments. All of them.
And I love you guys for helping, on so many occasions, to create those moments with me :)
Aroha
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My Unconventional Year 2011...
As I've been thinking of New Years resolutions lately I was making lists in my mind of things that I could improve on/experience/give up. Then I started recalling previous resolutions and I saw a trend, my resolutions last all of 4 days and then that's it, they're done and I give up. Well, I've decided that this is NOT how it is going to go this time. So, I'm taking a new approach, one I've never tried before...I'm just taking on a theme word for 2011 and the word I've chosen?
UNCONVENTIONAL
That's right, I'm going to make this entire year a celebration of the unique, untried, untested and unexplored. How am I making this happen? Well, I'm quitting my job in January and doing something that I've always wanted to do but found a million reasons not to. I'm getting my CDL. Yep, I'm hitting the road. I don't even know how to really explain how excited I am. So you're going to have to take my word for it. I'm SUPER excited!
I've also decided that this year I am not going to buy any clothes BUT I'm putting a stipulation on that statement, if in the course of 365 days I find that I actually am in need (not want, but actual need) then I have to purchase clothing that gives back. I think that's a fair compromise. I better get to the store, because I'm down to 8 days to shop.
Part of this year is going to be about finding me again. The real me. The one deep inside that I sometimes lose track of in all of the craziness of this world. Meditation is the way that I find leads to the connection with the inner me. I also want to find other ways to get in touch with myself. There's so many possibilities!
I'm also going to strive to keep using my voice. I like this one a lot, because I've been practicing lately. Take last week for example, I heard about the deer shootings in Bountiful (something that I didn't really like at all) so some friends and I staged a "guerrilla protest." We went under the cover of darkness and posted over 100 fliers in Bountiful. It was pretty epic.
Next up? An undercover operation to find out about factory farming...more to come on that one...
UNCONVENTIONAL
That's right, I'm going to make this entire year a celebration of the unique, untried, untested and unexplored. How am I making this happen? Well, I'm quitting my job in January and doing something that I've always wanted to do but found a million reasons not to. I'm getting my CDL. Yep, I'm hitting the road. I don't even know how to really explain how excited I am. So you're going to have to take my word for it. I'm SUPER excited!
I've also decided that this year I am not going to buy any clothes BUT I'm putting a stipulation on that statement, if in the course of 365 days I find that I actually am in need (not want, but actual need) then I have to purchase clothing that gives back. I think that's a fair compromise. I better get to the store, because I'm down to 8 days to shop.
Part of this year is going to be about finding me again. The real me. The one deep inside that I sometimes lose track of in all of the craziness of this world. Meditation is the way that I find leads to the connection with the inner me. I also want to find other ways to get in touch with myself. There's so many possibilities!
I'm also going to strive to keep using my voice. I like this one a lot, because I've been practicing lately. Take last week for example, I heard about the deer shootings in Bountiful (something that I didn't really like at all) so some friends and I staged a "guerrilla protest." We went under the cover of darkness and posted over 100 fliers in Bountiful. It was pretty epic. Next up? An undercover operation to find out about factory farming...more to come on that one...
To say that I'm stoked for this year would probably be an understatement, I literally cannot wait!
Bring on 2011, the year of the Unconventional Pixie Stix
Aroha XOXO
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Evolution of Relationships...
Growing up, I was under the misconception that certain relationships never changed, those relationships being with God and your family. I think I lived with that mentality because I created some sort of stability as I was trying to figure out the world. But now, being slightly more grown up than I ever have before, I'm beginning to see that no relationship is ever the same for any amount of time.
As unsettling as I still seem to find this truth, I think I'm seeing it now because I'm getting to the point where I'm secure enough with myself and my ability to digest facts and information and be able to balance it with what I as an individual being feel, and then form an opinion.
There have been times in my life where I went along with a thought pattern because that's what everyone else was doing. Then there have been times where I went against everyone else because I was trying to be an individual.
The relationship between men and God is ridiculously complex. I have never really wanted to think about it before. But lately it's something that I've thought about quite a bit. My idea of God and my relationship with him is, for the first time in my life, evolving. Up until now, it was something that I thought couldn't change. God was what he was and that was that. In my mind religion inhibited men from having any semblance of a normal relationship with the creator. I'm coming to the conclusion that I was off on my thoughts a little there. It's a terrifying reality to see that relationship changing. But it's also insanely refreshing.
The relationships in families are the only relationships that can give the previous relationship a run for its money in complexity. Family had always been my foundation, even over religion. The past couple months have crumbled that foundation and I've had to stand on my own foundation.
I didn't even know that I HAD my own foundation.
It's been a rude awakening to say the least.
Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe in? When everything else in the world changes, what do I still KNOW to be true?
These are some big questions, and they're not ones that can be figured out on a timetable.
As I look back on the last 5 years of my life, I've been in the middle of one B I G learning curve. It's been insane. Everything that I thought I knew about myself has not just been shaken, but it's been tossed, crushed, gathered together and then blown away again.
And I have been growing every single second of it.
Growing is one of those hard things to appreciate when you're going through it. But when you look back on it, you know that you wouldn't change that experience for anything in the world.
Getting older, and having experiences behind you that you can look to is nice, because now when even more difficult situations hit me, I can see that all of this turmoil and confusion will lead to greater enlightenment and growth than any other circumstances ever could.
Granted, it is unsettling that the situations keep getting harder. I don't like that much and I don't let myself think about all of the other things that are coming my way. But knowing that I'm capable of evolution and rising to the occasion is what gets me up in the morning.
Even as relationships are twisted, and mutilated, there is hope.
I really like hope.
As unsettling as I still seem to find this truth, I think I'm seeing it now because I'm getting to the point where I'm secure enough with myself and my ability to digest facts and information and be able to balance it with what I as an individual being feel, and then form an opinion.
There have been times in my life where I went along with a thought pattern because that's what everyone else was doing. Then there have been times where I went against everyone else because I was trying to be an individual.
The relationship between men and God is ridiculously complex. I have never really wanted to think about it before. But lately it's something that I've thought about quite a bit. My idea of God and my relationship with him is, for the first time in my life, evolving. Up until now, it was something that I thought couldn't change. God was what he was and that was that. In my mind religion inhibited men from having any semblance of a normal relationship with the creator. I'm coming to the conclusion that I was off on my thoughts a little there. It's a terrifying reality to see that relationship changing. But it's also insanely refreshing.
The relationships in families are the only relationships that can give the previous relationship a run for its money in complexity. Family had always been my foundation, even over religion. The past couple months have crumbled that foundation and I've had to stand on my own foundation.
I didn't even know that I HAD my own foundation.
It's been a rude awakening to say the least.
Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe in? When everything else in the world changes, what do I still KNOW to be true?
These are some big questions, and they're not ones that can be figured out on a timetable.
As I look back on the last 5 years of my life, I've been in the middle of one B I G learning curve. It's been insane. Everything that I thought I knew about myself has not just been shaken, but it's been tossed, crushed, gathered together and then blown away again.
And I have been growing every single second of it.
Growing is one of those hard things to appreciate when you're going through it. But when you look back on it, you know that you wouldn't change that experience for anything in the world.
Getting older, and having experiences behind you that you can look to is nice, because now when even more difficult situations hit me, I can see that all of this turmoil and confusion will lead to greater enlightenment and growth than any other circumstances ever could.
Granted, it is unsettling that the situations keep getting harder. I don't like that much and I don't let myself think about all of the other things that are coming my way. But knowing that I'm capable of evolution and rising to the occasion is what gets me up in the morning.
Even as relationships are twisted, and mutilated, there is hope.
I really like hope.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Where Is My Happiness....?
I had a nice chat with a very wise man today.
We talked about my life.
Not something I really enjoy discussing these days. But he wanted to know. So I told him. I thought that would teach him to be nice and thoughtful.
He asked me a question and there was such a lead up to it that I thought he was going to ask me the meaning of life or something.
It was worse.
He asked me what made me really, truly happy and how I was going to make the rest of my life completely happy.
Ugh.
I do not know.
I honestly have no idea.
I know what makes me happy right now; longboarding, painting, reading, going to movies with my family and roadtrips.
But how I thought my life was going to go has been shaken so drastically that I don't even know where I want to be in 6 months, let alone later in life!!
He asked what I wanted out of life.
No clue.
I don't want to get married. I don't want a conventional life. But being a member of the church if you don't get married then you're missing out on a big part of this life experience (a partner and kids) and that's not something that I know if I'm willing to sacrifice.
I don't want to be a worldly person. That means that Idon't want to be a doctor, lawyer or accountant. But how am I supposed to make a life for myself without focusing on worldly things?
I don't know what's going to make me happy down the road. I don't even know what's going to make me happy tomorrow.
But this very wise man did make me realize that wherever I find my happiness, I'm going to need to work to make it happen. My life plan was to see where the winds took me, but I'm starting to see how I can't completely rely on the winds, I'm going to have to do a little rowing of my own...
We talked about my life.
Not something I really enjoy discussing these days. But he wanted to know. So I told him. I thought that would teach him to be nice and thoughtful.
He asked me a question and there was such a lead up to it that I thought he was going to ask me the meaning of life or something.
It was worse.
He asked me what made me really, truly happy and how I was going to make the rest of my life completely happy.
Ugh.
I do not know.
I honestly have no idea.
I know what makes me happy right now; longboarding, painting, reading, going to movies with my family and roadtrips.
But how I thought my life was going to go has been shaken so drastically that I don't even know where I want to be in 6 months, let alone later in life!!
He asked what I wanted out of life.
No clue.
I don't want to get married. I don't want a conventional life. But being a member of the church if you don't get married then you're missing out on a big part of this life experience (a partner and kids) and that's not something that I know if I'm willing to sacrifice.
I don't want to be a worldly person. That means that Idon't want to be a doctor, lawyer or accountant. But how am I supposed to make a life for myself without focusing on worldly things?
I don't know what's going to make me happy down the road. I don't even know what's going to make me happy tomorrow.
But this very wise man did make me realize that wherever I find my happiness, I'm going to need to work to make it happen. My life plan was to see where the winds took me, but I'm starting to see how I can't completely rely on the winds, I'm going to have to do a little rowing of my own...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Soul Pancake...
I know that I mentioned this great book by Rainn Wilson, SoulPancake, in my last post, but I'm going to go ahead and mention it again. (And honestly, probably again a couple other times after this.)
I've been trying to find an appropriate way to describe this book to someone who has never seen it before, and I don't really have a good way to do it yet.
One word?
AMAZING!
"Soulpancake is a movement to chew on life's big questions. It's a space to tackle art, philosophy, creativity and spirituality, and ulitmately, soulpancake is about you-the thinkers, artists, poets, and misfits who seek to stamp out stigmas, shake up truths, and redefine what it means to be human." -Soulpancake intro-
Ok, so in this book each page is devoted to one of life's big questions and it includes
-questions that tackle what it means to be human
-mind blowing art from around the world
-odd facts and quirky stats
-quotes from a bunch of smart people (dead and alive)
-a handful of related questions
= your brain brewing
Haha I also took that from the book's description.
I know that it doesn't sound all that interesting, but I swear it's amazing! My sister is reading the book too (which, if you know her, tells you something...).
There are pages devoted to
Why do we hate?
What's one lie you're glad you told?
There was this suggestion about keeping your creativity alive called Blackout Poetry and it essentially says that you get a page of text from somewhere, anywhere and create poetry by blacking out all of the words that you dont' want to use...I don't know if that really makes sense, so I included a picture :)
I will just finish this post by saying that as I read this book and made my brain really work today I was super happy. I liked it.
I've been trying to find an appropriate way to describe this book to someone who has never seen it before, and I don't really have a good way to do it yet.
One word?
"Soulpancake is a movement to chew on life's big questions. It's a space to tackle art, philosophy, creativity and spirituality, and ulitmately, soulpancake is about you-the thinkers, artists, poets, and misfits who seek to stamp out stigmas, shake up truths, and redefine what it means to be human." -Soulpancake intro-
Ok, so in this book each page is devoted to one of life's big questions and it includes
-questions that tackle what it means to be human
-mind blowing art from around the world
-odd facts and quirky stats
-quotes from a bunch of smart people (dead and alive)
-a handful of related questions
= your brain brewing
Haha I also took that from the book's description.
I know that it doesn't sound all that interesting, but I swear it's amazing! My sister is reading the book too (which, if you know her, tells you something...).
There are pages devoted to
Why do we hate?What's one lie you're glad you told?
What emotion do you wish you could better control?
What drains your sould? What recharges it?
How has your sense of right and wrong evolved?
How has your sense of right and wrong evolved?
How literally should we interprerate religious texts?
There's so many great things in this book!!
There's so many great things in this book!!
Honestly, just read it.
Or at least check out the website.There was this suggestion about keeping your creativity alive called Blackout Poetry and it essentially says that you get a page of text from somewhere, anywhere and create poetry by blacking out all of the words that you dont' want to use...I don't know if that really makes sense, so I included a picture :)
I will just finish this post by saying that as I read this book and made my brain really work today I was super happy. I liked it.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
...thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...
New things are scary.
But they're also super exciting.
I think that's why people do them.
The adrenaline rush. The thrill of doing something that you have no idea how it will turn out.
I think that's probably why I love art so much.
When you start with a blank canvas, there's the possibility of it turning out as a masterpiece.
Then there's also the possibility of it turning out not at all how you imagined.
What are you supposed to do then?
I tend to favor scratching the original idea and just going with it, and seeing where that takes you!
It's splendid really.
Like this? Yeah, it was until this evening holding books on the shelf next to my bed. I decided it needed a little something extra. I think it's heading in a good direction.
The feeling of being in the middle of creating something that no one else has ever created before is what keeps me coming back time and time again.
I kind of feel like my life is this shelf recently.
I've been stuck in this huge rut, focusing on all of the things in life that I have no control over, and I was forgetting about my life.
I was waiting for this situation to pass so that my life could begin again.
How dumb is that??
This IS my life!
Right now.
This very minute.
So, I took a leap of faith at work, I called in and cancelled my requested availability for school, I dropped all of my classes that I was registered for and I picked up my CDL handbook.
I can see the country and get paid to do it.
I don't know what took me so long either.
It's essentially everything that I want in my life at this moment.
I asked my dad to ask his bosses if I could drive and they were all for the idea.
That had been my excuse for not actually going for it "It might not work out with the company."
I didn't have an excuse anymore.
So, I (spur of the moment) called and told them I could work anytime so that I can save and get things squared away to live this little dream of mine.
And you know what?
I may hate it.
BUT I will never have to look back and wonder what if...
If that's all that I get out of this life, I think I will be happy, I don't want to have "What if's" or regrets.
I may not be at the same place as others my age, or at a place that is socially acceptable, but you know what? I'm enjoying the ride :)
I was channel surfing and I saw an interview with Rainn Wilson and it literally blew my mind.
He started this website called Soul Pancake and also has a book that just came out.
It's amazing.
He suggests "Reverse Pick-Pocketing" which is where you write an uplifting message on a bill of your choice and slip it into someones pocket.
Wow.
I had never ever thought about giving someone a dollar bill with something nice written on it.
How great is that?
Oh man.
Seriously, check out the website and buy the book. (No I'm not getting any kickbacks for advertising haha)
That's what's been on my mind tonight :)
Aroha
But they're also super exciting.
I think that's why people do them.
The adrenaline rush. The thrill of doing something that you have no idea how it will turn out.
I think that's probably why I love art so much.
When you start with a blank canvas, there's the possibility of it turning out as a masterpiece.
Then there's also the possibility of it turning out not at all how you imagined.
What are you supposed to do then?
I tend to favor scratching the original idea and just going with it, and seeing where that takes you!
It's splendid really.
The feeling of being in the middle of creating something that no one else has ever created before is what keeps me coming back time and time again.
I kind of feel like my life is this shelf recently.
I've been stuck in this huge rut, focusing on all of the things in life that I have no control over, and I was forgetting about my life.
I was waiting for this situation to pass so that my life could begin again.
How dumb is that??
This IS my life!
Right now.
This very minute.
So, I took a leap of faith at work, I called in and cancelled my requested availability for school, I dropped all of my classes that I was registered for and I picked up my CDL handbook.
I can see the country and get paid to do it.
I don't know what took me so long either.
I asked my dad to ask his bosses if I could drive and they were all for the idea.
That had been my excuse for not actually going for it "It might not work out with the company."
I didn't have an excuse anymore.
So, I (spur of the moment) called and told them I could work anytime so that I can save and get things squared away to live this little dream of mine.
And you know what?
I may hate it.
BUT I will never have to look back and wonder what if...
If that's all that I get out of this life, I think I will be happy, I don't want to have "What if's" or regrets.
I may not be at the same place as others my age, or at a place that is socially acceptable, but you know what? I'm enjoying the ride :)
I was channel surfing and I saw an interview with Rainn Wilson and it literally blew my mind.
He started this website called Soul Pancake and also has a book that just came out.
It's amazing.
He suggests "Reverse Pick-Pocketing" which is where you write an uplifting message on a bill of your choice and slip it into someones pocket.
Wow.
I had never ever thought about giving someone a dollar bill with something nice written on it.
How great is that?
Oh man.
Seriously, check out the website and buy the book. (No I'm not getting any kickbacks for advertising haha)
That's what's been on my mind tonight :)
Aroha
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Life Is Beautiful...
My favorite quote ever is flashing on the right hand side of the screen, it says
"Life is not about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself."
I can't even put into words how much that line just gets me, it quite literally touches my heart!
Life sometimes deals us really crappy hands, and you can search and search and search for the silver lining or you can get out there and FIND YOUR OWN lining!!
When I think of people that inspire me, the people who come to my mind very first are people who have firmly grasped their lives and are literally living every single moment of it.
My question is, how did they get so good at living their life??
It is so hard sometimes to see past the present moment and strive for something more than the crummy thing right there in front of you. There are so many promises of greater things waiting if you're just patient and persevere. That's really great to think about and dream about, but if you're anything like me, you don't like thinking about a life after this, or eternity. It's too much and I think it detracts from living in the moment....but that's just me.
I am a big believer in catering this life to you individually. We're all different, therefore, it makes sense that we all live our lives differently, and that we all get something different out of the same or similar circumstances. Even in the exact same situation, every single person involved will think/feel/learn something different. So why do we try so hard to conform to what everyone else is doing? Why do we try to live our life the same way as everyone around us is doing?
I believe in creating my own bliss, my own happiness, my own reason for getting back up and moving on.
I believe that the only way to be really, truly happy is to listen to yourself and what YOU really want out of this life. And once you've done that, work like hell to make it happen!
But, what if you're like I am at this moment in my life and you don't really know what you want or where you want to go? I know, I'm stumped just like you are.
I think I'm starting to get it. I'm trying new things every single chance that I get. I'm taking deep breaths and not letting the little things get to me. I'm getting rid of the people that cause stress in my life. I'm de-cluttering my life, I read a quote once that said "Don't keep anything in your home that isn't useful or that you don't find beautiful." I really have taken that to heart. I am being creative with art. I am reading the news every day, but spending more time on the things that interest me. I'm taking classes. I'm accepting offers to do things more and spending less time sitting around. It's called living. It's actually really, really cool.
I'm CREATING my own happiness and a life that is a perfect fit for ME.
Life truly is beautiful.
"Life is not about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself."
I can't even put into words how much that line just gets me, it quite literally touches my heart!
Life sometimes deals us really crappy hands, and you can search and search and search for the silver lining or you can get out there and FIND YOUR OWN lining!!
When I think of people that inspire me, the people who come to my mind very first are people who have firmly grasped their lives and are literally living every single moment of it.
My question is, how did they get so good at living their life??
It is so hard sometimes to see past the present moment and strive for something more than the crummy thing right there in front of you. There are so many promises of greater things waiting if you're just patient and persevere. That's really great to think about and dream about, but if you're anything like me, you don't like thinking about a life after this, or eternity. It's too much and I think it detracts from living in the moment....but that's just me.
I am a big believer in catering this life to you individually. We're all different, therefore, it makes sense that we all live our lives differently, and that we all get something different out of the same or similar circumstances. Even in the exact same situation, every single person involved will think/feel/learn something different. So why do we try so hard to conform to what everyone else is doing? Why do we try to live our life the same way as everyone around us is doing?
I believe in creating my own bliss, my own happiness, my own reason for getting back up and moving on.
I believe that the only way to be really, truly happy is to listen to yourself and what YOU really want out of this life. And once you've done that, work like hell to make it happen!
But, what if you're like I am at this moment in my life and you don't really know what you want or where you want to go? I know, I'm stumped just like you are.
I think I'm starting to get it. I'm trying new things every single chance that I get. I'm taking deep breaths and not letting the little things get to me. I'm getting rid of the people that cause stress in my life. I'm de-cluttering my life, I read a quote once that said "Don't keep anything in your home that isn't useful or that you don't find beautiful." I really have taken that to heart. I am being creative with art. I am reading the news every day, but spending more time on the things that interest me. I'm taking classes. I'm accepting offers to do things more and spending less time sitting around. It's called living. It's actually really, really cool.
I'm CREATING my own happiness and a life that is a perfect fit for ME.
Life truly is beautiful.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
New Favorite Princess...?
Oh man, so I saw the movie Tangled yesterday (and my family may or may not be going to see it all together tomorrow) and it was so SO good!!! I truly am in love with it. It is possibly my favorite Disney movie ever!!!
I just want to go ahead and recommend that everyone go and see it. I love it. And not just because I have long blonde hair and big green eyes. It's just a great movie.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Where Is My Voice...?
I love tigers, polar bears, pandas and whales.
I love forests, beaches, mountains and open space.
I love people, meeting them, talking to them, and learning from them.
So what?
Having a feeling of love towards those things gets me...where exactly?
I am beginning to believe more and more that love is a verb.
It's an action more than just a warm feeling you get in your heart.
Don't get me wrong, that feeling is good. But I really, truly believe that it's just the tip of the love iceberg.
I had a day off today, and I actually got some things done. I registered for school for one. I cleaned a little. You know, the usual.
That's what worries me.
The usual for me helps absolutely NO ONE.
I didn't do one good thing for someone else today.
I didn't champion for a cause.
I didn't even read the news to see what is going on in the world.
Yeah, I took a nap with my dog and that felt super great at the time.
But there was no fulfilment.
I refuse to believe that we were put here purely for our own pleasure.
I believe that we were put here to help others. To make their loads lighter. To make their journey here a little more pleasant.
I sure do a lot of preaching about love for little to no action on that note.
I have been so blessed with health and with a sharp, strong mind...I do not believe that those blessings were given to me because I deserve them or because I did something right in some other life. I am beginning to believe that it's because I have a responsibility to help others.
Let's be honest, I like talking. Probably a little more than I should at times.
I can talk to anyone. Really, I could become friends with a brick if I had to. I know it's one of those gifts that I was given.
What GOOD am I using that voice for though?
Yeah, those who are close to me may know what my opinions are about certain subjects that I'm passionate about.
But I don't take a stand for those things.
I have never really liked taking a stand on anything. I don't like the confrontation.
Wasn't it Alexander Hamilton who said "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything?"
I have been given the gift of a voice for a purpose and, so far, I'm squandering it.
This means that it's time for a change. I'm starting small, because shooting too high rarely turns out with a change of character.
So, here is the challenge. When someone asks about my opinions about ANYTHING I'm going to have an opinion. I'm going to say what I honestly think/feel/believe at the time. Whether it's my views on dinner or pro life, they'll hear what I really think. I'm not going to be super harsh or pompous about this though, just because I'm taking stands doesn't mean that I like people who push their views on others. My hope here is that if I get comfortable enough using my voice on the little things, that will translate into action on the things that really matter, you know?
That list of things that I mentioned I loved at the beginning of the post? They all need champions in one way or another. I think I have such a big heart for critters all over the world is because they can't stand up for themselves. They need people on their side to do it for them. People are that way sometimes as well, sometimes they can't stand up for themselves, so they need others to do it for them. My actions will be what last longer than words in the long run and I want people to remember what I loved in my life.
I love forests, beaches, mountains and open space.
I love people, meeting them, talking to them, and learning from them.
So what?
Having a feeling of love towards those things gets me...where exactly?
I am beginning to believe more and more that love is a verb.
It's an action more than just a warm feeling you get in your heart.
Don't get me wrong, that feeling is good. But I really, truly believe that it's just the tip of the love iceberg.
I had a day off today, and I actually got some things done. I registered for school for one. I cleaned a little. You know, the usual.
That's what worries me.
The usual for me helps absolutely NO ONE.
I didn't do one good thing for someone else today.
I didn't champion for a cause.
I didn't even read the news to see what is going on in the world.
Yeah, I took a nap with my dog and that felt super great at the time.
But there was no fulfilment.
I refuse to believe that we were put here purely for our own pleasure.
I believe that we were put here to help others. To make their loads lighter. To make their journey here a little more pleasant.
I sure do a lot of preaching about love for little to no action on that note.
I have been so blessed with health and with a sharp, strong mind...I do not believe that those blessings were given to me because I deserve them or because I did something right in some other life. I am beginning to believe that it's because I have a responsibility to help others.
Let's be honest, I like talking. Probably a little more than I should at times.
I can talk to anyone. Really, I could become friends with a brick if I had to. I know it's one of those gifts that I was given.
What GOOD am I using that voice for though?
Yeah, those who are close to me may know what my opinions are about certain subjects that I'm passionate about.
But I don't take a stand for those things.
I have never really liked taking a stand on anything. I don't like the confrontation.
Wasn't it Alexander Hamilton who said "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything?"
I have been given the gift of a voice for a purpose and, so far, I'm squandering it.
This means that it's time for a change. I'm starting small, because shooting too high rarely turns out with a change of character.
So, here is the challenge. When someone asks about my opinions about ANYTHING I'm going to have an opinion. I'm going to say what I honestly think/feel/believe at the time. Whether it's my views on dinner or pro life, they'll hear what I really think. I'm not going to be super harsh or pompous about this though, just because I'm taking stands doesn't mean that I like people who push their views on others. My hope here is that if I get comfortable enough using my voice on the little things, that will translate into action on the things that really matter, you know?
That list of things that I mentioned I loved at the beginning of the post? They all need champions in one way or another. I think I have such a big heart for critters all over the world is because they can't stand up for themselves. They need people on their side to do it for them. People are that way sometimes as well, sometimes they can't stand up for themselves, so they need others to do it for them. My actions will be what last longer than words in the long run and I want people to remember what I loved in my life.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
To All of The Loser's In The World...
...actually, I'm only going to address 4 of you tonight.
You're a disgrace to your gender.
First, to the "friend" who flirts shamelessly. I hate you for being charming. You lead me on and then lead me on some more. Not ok. You don't get to decide that you want me on a back burner just in case this new girl doesn't work out. No. You made your choice when you tried being sneaky. You're no good at sneaky. If you aren't interested, then DON'T ACT LIKE YOU ARE! It's truly not rocket science. Now that you have made your choice, we're not chummy. We were never actually "friends," let's be honest here...
Second, to the loser who knows he's a jacker. What you did was not ok and you know it. I thought I was over it, but it turns out a year and a half later I'm still ticked, but that's understandable because what you did was truly one of the worst things in the world. You had no right or reason to do what you did, and the fact that you just up and left when things were "tough" proves your character. I truly am better off without you. You deserve every single terrible thing that comes to you in this life. Karma's a bitch and she's coming after you with a vengeance.
Third, to the "friend" with no back bone. I don't know what part of the friendship memo you missed, but being "friends" requires standing up for each other. Even if you are best friends with the loser who knows he's a jacker, you don't just go along with the laughing. Saying things behind someone's back because they were "never supposed to get back to you" does NOT make it ok. When someone does something that messed up, you don't laugh and give them a pat on the back. I don't really care WHO they did it to. If something hurts one friend, it becomes both friend's fight. I guess that's how you find out who your real friends are though.
And finally, to the fair weather "friend." (When I say fair weather, I mean "when there's a possibility of us hooking up...") Just because we've been friends for years DOES NOT mean that you can treat me like crap. No. You don't get to respect me any less. True, we may have hooked up on a couple occasions, but that doesn't mean that it's EVER going to happen again, especially when you behave like a 15 year old girl when things don't go your way. You must have missed that lesson. You don't just cut people out. True, people do lousy things to each other, but let's be honest, you are NO saint.
As for all of you. Blaming you idiocy on being a man is not an excuse. Not all men are stupid. It's just you guys. Your bad choices are YOUR bad choices. You don't get to pawn them off on anyone else. No.
...phewf, I feel better now :)
You're a disgrace to your gender.
First, to the "friend" who flirts shamelessly. I hate you for being charming. You lead me on and then lead me on some more. Not ok. You don't get to decide that you want me on a back burner just in case this new girl doesn't work out. No. You made your choice when you tried being sneaky. You're no good at sneaky. If you aren't interested, then DON'T ACT LIKE YOU ARE! It's truly not rocket science. Now that you have made your choice, we're not chummy. We were never actually "friends," let's be honest here...
Second, to the loser who knows he's a jacker. What you did was not ok and you know it. I thought I was over it, but it turns out a year and a half later I'm still ticked, but that's understandable because what you did was truly one of the worst things in the world. You had no right or reason to do what you did, and the fact that you just up and left when things were "tough" proves your character. I truly am better off without you. You deserve every single terrible thing that comes to you in this life. Karma's a bitch and she's coming after you with a vengeance.
Third, to the "friend" with no back bone. I don't know what part of the friendship memo you missed, but being "friends" requires standing up for each other. Even if you are best friends with the loser who knows he's a jacker, you don't just go along with the laughing. Saying things behind someone's back because they were "never supposed to get back to you" does NOT make it ok. When someone does something that messed up, you don't laugh and give them a pat on the back. I don't really care WHO they did it to. If something hurts one friend, it becomes both friend's fight. I guess that's how you find out who your real friends are though.
And finally, to the fair weather "friend." (When I say fair weather, I mean "when there's a possibility of us hooking up...") Just because we've been friends for years DOES NOT mean that you can treat me like crap. No. You don't get to respect me any less. True, we may have hooked up on a couple occasions, but that doesn't mean that it's EVER going to happen again, especially when you behave like a 15 year old girl when things don't go your way. You must have missed that lesson. You don't just cut people out. True, people do lousy things to each other, but let's be honest, you are NO saint.
As for all of you. Blaming you idiocy on being a man is not an excuse. Not all men are stupid. It's just you guys. Your bad choices are YOUR bad choices. You don't get to pawn them off on anyone else. No.
...phewf, I feel better now :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Is It Love? Why Yes, Yes It Is...
I'm in love...
With EVERYTHING these days!!
First of all I'm in love with TLC as a whole network. It has my all time favorite shows on it: Sister Wives, Kate Plus 8, Cake Boss, and my new obsession Sarah Palin's Alaska. What a great all around channel.
Next, I'm re-in love with Alaska after watching Sarah's show...really though, I want to go there so bad that it's semi ridiculous. I've always wanted to go, but the itch is getting harder and harder to ignore!
I'm also in love with Sarah Palin's oldest son, he's dreamy.
Not to mention that I'm recently in love with....get ready for this one....Sarah Palin herself.
As I get older, I'm getting more conservative in my views (which, yes I know it's frightening. If I'm already mellowing out at 21 what on Earth am I going to be like 40 years from now??) and Mrs. Palin has some good core beliefs and values that are not so unlike my own. Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are that I...like....the woman. Now, this is NOT to say that I agree with all of her politics, or all of her beliefs, but it's eerie just how much of what I believe is exemplified in her....
Oh man. I feel like I'm growing in leaps and bounds!
Good grief.
I also love Gossip Girl more than ever, it's like I can take out all of my aggression on a TV show instead of real people. What a deal. God bless the CW.
So, to round out this blog I guess that I'm just super duper in love with TV networks.
Yep, that's all that this post amounted to.
I need a hobby...
With EVERYTHING these days!!
First of all I'm in love with TLC as a whole network. It has my all time favorite shows on it: Sister Wives, Kate Plus 8, Cake Boss, and my new obsession Sarah Palin's Alaska. What a great all around channel.
Next, I'm re-in love with Alaska after watching Sarah's show...really though, I want to go there so bad that it's semi ridiculous. I've always wanted to go, but the itch is getting harder and harder to ignore!
I'm also in love with Sarah Palin's oldest son, he's dreamy.
Not to mention that I'm recently in love with....get ready for this one....Sarah Palin herself.
As I get older, I'm getting more conservative in my views (which, yes I know it's frightening. If I'm already mellowing out at 21 what on Earth am I going to be like 40 years from now??) and Mrs. Palin has some good core beliefs and values that are not so unlike my own. Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are that I...like....the woman. Now, this is NOT to say that I agree with all of her politics, or all of her beliefs, but it's eerie just how much of what I believe is exemplified in her....
Oh man. I feel like I'm growing in leaps and bounds!
Good grief.
I also love Gossip Girl more than ever, it's like I can take out all of my aggression on a TV show instead of real people. What a deal. God bless the CW.
So, to round out this blog I guess that I'm just super duper in love with TV networks.
Yep, that's all that this post amounted to.
I need a hobby...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Liberation...
The feeling of no Facebook and a newly cleaned out contacts list on my phone is like a massive brick lifted off of my back!
Seriously though, this whole Sunday, I have almost floated through life.
What is it about Facebook that gives me that heavy feeling?
It's the fact that my real life wasn't getting lived I think.
It's ridiculous really, you can talk to someone online about doing things in the "real world" ...and nothing ever happens...
When did we start living in this alternate reality?
What does that say for our world...that some of us become "facebook friends" with people who you would generally never be friends with.
What sort of relationships are we building?
Not to mention that those relationships that were ended for a reason (old boyfriends, best friends, etc.) are now renewed through the glorious world wide web.
They were ended for a reason. Cyber stalking them is not serving any purpose except to prolong old wounds from healing.
I have personally never seen any good come of renewed relationships on facebook.
Now, having said all of this. I had a moment today where my heart hurt because of the lack of facebook.
Here's how it went...yesterday afternoon I posted on my Uncle Steve's wall for his birthday. My Uncle Steve lives in Southern England and honestly, facebook was the only connection that we had. Tonight my mother informed me that he had sent her a message telling her to tell me thank you.
Now, remember how I got out of that world to eliminate the round about way of communicating?
It seems that now I've created a new problem for myself.
Facebook was the only connection that I had to my family in England.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I love my family over there and I miss them and it was kind of nice having that connection!
So, it makes me wonder, what if I only had facebook for super close friends and my family?
And I never made status updates?
Or posted pictures?
...but then doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of the social networking site that we all love to hate?
Maybe I should just get back on to let them know that they can follow my blog?
I do love my blog after all.
Life is rough.
On a happier note, with my newly found free time today I found that I had time to study somethings that I had been thinking about for a while.
I also went sledding with my sister and brother.
And I went to scripture study.
I had TIME.
It's weird that I seemed to have more time today than other days.
You know what the difference was?
I didn't spend all day on the computer.
I hadn't really realized just how addicting this great machine could be, until I watched as it slowly took over the lives of my family members.
We can't seem to function without it.
Really though.
How sad is that?
There's an entire world out there for the taking and we, as a society, let it pass by as we keep up to date, minute to minute through technology.
I'm begining to believe that technology is a double edged sword.
Finally, I want to once again publicly pay tribute to possibly my favorite artist of all time, Mr. Michael Franti.
No one else's music speaks so directly to my soul while letting me groove so easily.
Thank you for shedding your light on this world through your music.
No one else lifts my soul in the same way.
Not to mention that he's an activist and an all around inspiring person.
Seriously though, check him out.
You'll be in love too.
http://michaelfranti.com/
Cheers
XOXO
Seriously though, this whole Sunday, I have almost floated through life.
What is it about Facebook that gives me that heavy feeling?
It's the fact that my real life wasn't getting lived I think.
It's ridiculous really, you can talk to someone online about doing things in the "real world" ...and nothing ever happens...
When did we start living in this alternate reality?
What does that say for our world...that some of us become "facebook friends" with people who you would generally never be friends with.
What sort of relationships are we building?
Not to mention that those relationships that were ended for a reason (old boyfriends, best friends, etc.) are now renewed through the glorious world wide web.
They were ended for a reason. Cyber stalking them is not serving any purpose except to prolong old wounds from healing.
I have personally never seen any good come of renewed relationships on facebook.
Now, having said all of this. I had a moment today where my heart hurt because of the lack of facebook.
Here's how it went...yesterday afternoon I posted on my Uncle Steve's wall for his birthday. My Uncle Steve lives in Southern England and honestly, facebook was the only connection that we had. Tonight my mother informed me that he had sent her a message telling her to tell me thank you.
Now, remember how I got out of that world to eliminate the round about way of communicating?
It seems that now I've created a new problem for myself.
Facebook was the only connection that I had to my family in England.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I love my family over there and I miss them and it was kind of nice having that connection!
So, it makes me wonder, what if I only had facebook for super close friends and my family?
And I never made status updates?
Or posted pictures?
...but then doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of the social networking site that we all love to hate?
Maybe I should just get back on to let them know that they can follow my blog?
I do love my blog after all.
Life is rough.
On a happier note, with my newly found free time today I found that I had time to study somethings that I had been thinking about for a while.
I also went sledding with my sister and brother.
And I went to scripture study.
I had TIME.
It's weird that I seemed to have more time today than other days.
You know what the difference was?
I didn't spend all day on the computer.
I hadn't really realized just how addicting this great machine could be, until I watched as it slowly took over the lives of my family members.
We can't seem to function without it.
Really though.
How sad is that?
There's an entire world out there for the taking and we, as a society, let it pass by as we keep up to date, minute to minute through technology.
I'm begining to believe that technology is a double edged sword.
Finally, I want to once again publicly pay tribute to possibly my favorite artist of all time, Mr. Michael Franti.
No one else's music speaks so directly to my soul while letting me groove so easily.
Thank you for shedding your light on this world through your music.
No one else lifts my soul in the same way.
Not to mention that he's an activist and an all around inspiring person.
Seriously though, check him out.
You'll be in love too.
http://michaelfranti.com/
Cheers
XOXO
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I Did It...
Oh man guys, I finally did it. I put my money where my mouth is and I deleted my facebook...and DANG DOES IT FEEL GOOD!!!
I feel so liberated!
Yeah, it's going to kind of suck not having all of those contacts, but you know what? If they want to talk to me bad enough, they'll do it in person.
I also did a cleanse of my contacts on my phone. I deleted every single lame person in there on top of the people that I don't talk to anymore.
That feels super good too!!
That's really all that I had to say :)
I feel so liberated!
Yeah, it's going to kind of suck not having all of those contacts, but you know what? If they want to talk to me bad enough, they'll do it in person.
I also did a cleanse of my contacts on my phone. I deleted every single lame person in there on top of the people that I don't talk to anymore.
That feels super good too!!
That's really all that I had to say :)
Oh, I Get It...
So, I was watching my favorite show, Parenthood, and I really truly LOVE Zeke and Camille's house on the show. As in, I love it so much that I want to style everything in my life around it. Yeah I love it that much. You want to see pictures? Sure. Here they are :)
You don't really get a feel for the inside of the house from these pictures, but it's super great too. I guess you'll just have to watch the show to see what I'm talking about (no really, watch it. It's great.) Anyways, I decided that my room needed a little something extra, so naturally I began thinking of all of the things that I could possibly add to make my room any better, although I kind of dig it how it is. Then it dawned on me, LIGHTS! Everyone knows that the light/fan in my room hasn't worked in a while now, and I only have one other lamp in my room. So, I went to good old Target and bought some $6 lights there and (if I do say so myself) it turned out pretty well!! :)
Anyways, if/when I add anything else, I will be sure to let you guys know!!
Peace
Peace
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Courage...
"Take all my vicious words and turn them into something good.
Take all my preconceptions and let the truth be understood.
Take all my prized posessions and leave only what I need.
Take all my pieces of doubt and let me be what's underneath.
Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway.
Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway.
We all have excuses why we're living in fear something in us dies.
Like a bird with broken wings it's not how high he flies, but the song he sings.
Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway.
Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway.
It's not how many times you've been knocked down, it's how many times you get back up.
Courage is when you've lost your way but you find your strength anyway.
Courage is when you're afraid.
Courage is a burning faith.
Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway.
You keep on giving anyway.
You say you're in pain but you keep on moving.
You keep on loving anyway."
Take all my preconceptions and let the truth be understood.
Take all my prized posessions and leave only what I need.
Take all my pieces of doubt and let me be what's underneath.
Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway.
Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway.
We all have excuses why we're living in fear something in us dies.
Like a bird with broken wings it's not how high he flies, but the song he sings.
Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway.
Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway.
It's not how many times you've been knocked down, it's how many times you get back up.
Courage is when you've lost your way but you find your strength anyway.
Courage is when you're afraid.
Courage is a burning faith.
Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway.
You keep on giving anyway.
You say you're in pain but you keep on moving.
You keep on loving anyway."
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
L.O.V.E...
Instead of feeling anger, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling fear, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling hopeless, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling aggitated, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling pressured, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling animosity, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling petty, I'm choosing to feel love.
I really, truly deep down in my heart know that LOVE is the only thing in the world that matters. It doesn't matter what else you do to try and substitute it, LOVE trumps all. Nothing can replace it. Nothing can replicate it. LOVE towards the people around me. LOVE towards the creatures on this crazy journey with me. LOVE for my plants. LOVE for the weather. LOVE for nature. LOVE for other feelings and emotions and the growing that they bring. LOVE for things that make me feel alive.
LOVE is everything.
Aroha.
Instead of feeling fear, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling hopeless, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling aggitated, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling pressured, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling animosity, I'm choosing to feel love.
Instead of feeling petty, I'm choosing to feel love.
I really, truly deep down in my heart know that LOVE is the only thing in the world that matters. It doesn't matter what else you do to try and substitute it, LOVE trumps all. Nothing can replace it. Nothing can replicate it. LOVE towards the people around me. LOVE towards the creatures on this crazy journey with me. LOVE for my plants. LOVE for the weather. LOVE for nature. LOVE for other feelings and emotions and the growing that they bring. LOVE for things that make me feel alive.
LOVE is everything.
Aroha.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Hello Winter...
I woke up this morning to rain.
Rain which very quickly turned into snow.
Ugh.
Don't get me wrong, snow is great...between Thanksgiving and New Years...any other time though, it just should not be allowed.
To compound the situation I had a day off today.
I don't really so much love days off.
It's good on the one hand because I got to catch up with laundry and I got to work on some art stuff, but I just get really bored!!
So, in a state of mourning for the lost sunshine, I decided that the best way to keep a little ray of it in my heart was to go tanning.
Those 10 minutes in the tanning bed were pure bliss (discounting that nagging thought in the back of my head that I was possibly knocking off days of my life down the road), and the euphoria lasted for around another 2 minutes once I was back in the drizzling cold.
Then the dismal feeling settled right back into my heart and I was left no better off than before I took a gamble with skin cancer.
Now, this may be a lesson that many of you learned long ago, but I had a major life lesson break through about an hour ago!
I was sitting around feeling lousy about this Monday when the thought crossed my mind that I should get a book from the library. As I prepared to drag myself to my car, a little idea from deep down in the recesses of my mind popped up.
Why don't you walk there?
Well, it's cold for one. And it's raining. And when do I ever walk to the library?
Then I looked at the scenario that I was facing for the rest of the day...a whole lot of nothing and decided, why not?
But if I was going to walk in this weather, I was going to do it in style!
So, I donned my super fly rain boots that I purchased while in Oxford and got out the most colorful umbrella that I could find, I grabbed my ipod and my library card, and I was on my way!
My English family would be proud if they had seen me.
Then the most amazing thing happened...
I was purely, blissfully HAPPY.
I was feeling so good about life, having EMBRACED the weather that I truly smiled the whole way to the library!
Oh man.
This was a new concept for me.
I seem to have been wired to "rebel against everything whethere it's a good idea or not" And that carried over into changing seasons too aparently...
But here I was, going with the flow, and conforming to the seasons, and loving every single second of it!
Now, I'm not advocating conformity, but let's be honest, the weather's going to change with or without my permission.
Then I started toying with the idea of letting go more often. Who really wants to be in control and bossy all of the time? Not me.
Hmmmmm....it's given me a lot to think about :)
I loved this moment so much that I thought I'd share it with all of you.
I was going to just draw a picture of my stroll for you, but then I ran into Miss Sheri Echols and she offered to take a picture of my ensemble....
I hope you really get the feeling of pure happiness that I had as you listen to this song (which is in fact the same song that I was listening to on my walk) and look at the pictures.
Cheers!
XOXO
Rain which very quickly turned into snow.
Ugh.
Don't get me wrong, snow is great...between Thanksgiving and New Years...any other time though, it just should not be allowed.
To compound the situation I had a day off today.
I don't really so much love days off.
It's good on the one hand because I got to catch up with laundry and I got to work on some art stuff, but I just get really bored!!
So, in a state of mourning for the lost sunshine, I decided that the best way to keep a little ray of it in my heart was to go tanning.
Those 10 minutes in the tanning bed were pure bliss (discounting that nagging thought in the back of my head that I was possibly knocking off days of my life down the road), and the euphoria lasted for around another 2 minutes once I was back in the drizzling cold.
Then the dismal feeling settled right back into my heart and I was left no better off than before I took a gamble with skin cancer.
Now, this may be a lesson that many of you learned long ago, but I had a major life lesson break through about an hour ago!
I was sitting around feeling lousy about this Monday when the thought crossed my mind that I should get a book from the library. As I prepared to drag myself to my car, a little idea from deep down in the recesses of my mind popped up.
Why don't you walk there?
Well, it's cold for one. And it's raining. And when do I ever walk to the library?
Then I looked at the scenario that I was facing for the rest of the day...a whole lot of nothing and decided, why not?
But if I was going to walk in this weather, I was going to do it in style!
So, I donned my super fly rain boots that I purchased while in Oxford and got out the most colorful umbrella that I could find, I grabbed my ipod and my library card, and I was on my way!
My English family would be proud if they had seen me.
Then the most amazing thing happened...
I was purely, blissfully HAPPY.
I was feeling so good about life, having EMBRACED the weather that I truly smiled the whole way to the library!
Oh man.
This was a new concept for me.
I seem to have been wired to "rebel against everything whethere it's a good idea or not" And that carried over into changing seasons too aparently...
But here I was, going with the flow, and conforming to the seasons, and loving every single second of it!
Now, I'm not advocating conformity, but let's be honest, the weather's going to change with or without my permission.
Then I started toying with the idea of letting go more often. Who really wants to be in control and bossy all of the time? Not me.
Hmmmmm....it's given me a lot to think about :)
I loved this moment so much that I thought I'd share it with all of you.
I was going to just draw a picture of my stroll for you, but then I ran into Miss Sheri Echols and she offered to take a picture of my ensemble....
I hope you really get the feeling of pure happiness that I had as you listen to this song (which is in fact the same song that I was listening to on my walk) and look at the pictures.
Cheers!
XOXO
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Feeling? Love and Happiness and....
You know what's a funny feeling?
Getting your zest for life back after you've given into a dark patch in life.
It's this amazing phenomina, when you can literally FEEL the light creeping back into the picture, beam by beam. It's really, really awesome.
It comes in all shapes and forms.
Through a song that hits the right cord in your heart. (Haha, get it? A cord?)
A moment of pure, un-polluted love for someone or something.
The excitement of new friends that you have a desire to get to know.
A nice little crush. (Although this one is maddening and exciting at the same time.)
It's so amazing to literally FEEL the spirit in my life again.
I had let myself get so overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, that I had forgotten how to keep my feet firmly planted on any foundation, let alone the right one! But, oh man, the moment that you allow the spirit back into your life, a whole world of possibilities and hope open up to you.
It's no longer fighting for every step that you get, and seeing no further ahead than today.
It's getting excited for the future and the possibilites that lay ahead.
No matter how big things seem now, fact of the matter is that what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger.
One day I will be able to look back at these moments as huge growing spurts for me.
Question is, which direction will I grow?
I'll tell you where I'm going to grow. I'm going towards my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
He's the only way.
Since the moment that I asked for strength and help, I have FELT the weight that I'd been shouldering literally being lifted. I have had divine help getting through the last little bit. Without the light of Christ I was angry at everyone and everything. I had no desire to strive for anything. I had no real hope for the future and found no REAL joy in living.
Now I'm excited again. I am so madly in love with my life that it's on the verge of an obsession. But you know what? It's an obsession that I welcome.
I have this ONE life to live.
In a lesson today it was said that "This isn't a dress rehersal. This is your life. Get living!"
So SO true.
Another great quote that was shared was, "An unexpected life is a life none the less."
Looking back on my life, and seeing all that has happened and events that have shaped me, I can't help but laugh when I see how NOT according to my plan things have gone.
But don't they say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?
I'm just begining to realize how insanely true that statement is.
I can't tell you what is going to happen in the future, and you know what? I'm finally to a place that I'm ok with that.
I am not about to spend my life sitting around waiting for it to start.
THIS IS IT.
This is MY life.
I have one shot.
This is my re-commitment to living my life.
I think that part of loving the life that I'm living is to love myself.
That's a hard one sometimes, especially these days when we have people all around us telling us what is beautiful and acceptable.
It's really easy to get caught up in where our flaws are, and even easier to not be able to see what is really beautiful about each of us as individuals.
My first step towards MY life?
My life motto:
I am EXTRAORDINARY.
I meant to accomplish PHENOMINAL things in this life.
I am made to LOVE my life unconditionally.
I am UN-DEFINEABLE because I am absolutely UNIQUE.
EVERYTHING happens to make me grow, to expand my horizons and my understanding and to make me capable of greater and deeper love.
I believe in OPPORTUNITIES at every crossroad.
I believe in following your HEART and not popular opinion.
I will not merely survive this life, I will LOVE this life.
Every year, every day, every minute, every second is mine to ENJOY.
Isn't it great? Anything can happen...
I LOVE MY LIFE :)
Getting your zest for life back after you've given into a dark patch in life.
It's this amazing phenomina, when you can literally FEEL the light creeping back into the picture, beam by beam. It's really, really awesome.
It comes in all shapes and forms.
Through a song that hits the right cord in your heart. (Haha, get it? A cord?)
A moment of pure, un-polluted love for someone or something.
The excitement of new friends that you have a desire to get to know.
A nice little crush. (Although this one is maddening and exciting at the same time.)
It's so amazing to literally FEEL the spirit in my life again.
I had let myself get so overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, that I had forgotten how to keep my feet firmly planted on any foundation, let alone the right one! But, oh man, the moment that you allow the spirit back into your life, a whole world of possibilities and hope open up to you.
It's no longer fighting for every step that you get, and seeing no further ahead than today.
It's getting excited for the future and the possibilites that lay ahead.
No matter how big things seem now, fact of the matter is that what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger.
One day I will be able to look back at these moments as huge growing spurts for me.
Question is, which direction will I grow?
I'll tell you where I'm going to grow. I'm going towards my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.
He's the only way.
Since the moment that I asked for strength and help, I have FELT the weight that I'd been shouldering literally being lifted. I have had divine help getting through the last little bit. Without the light of Christ I was angry at everyone and everything. I had no desire to strive for anything. I had no real hope for the future and found no REAL joy in living.
Now I'm excited again. I am so madly in love with my life that it's on the verge of an obsession. But you know what? It's an obsession that I welcome.
I have this ONE life to live.
In a lesson today it was said that "This isn't a dress rehersal. This is your life. Get living!"
So SO true.
Another great quote that was shared was, "An unexpected life is a life none the less."
Looking back on my life, and seeing all that has happened and events that have shaped me, I can't help but laugh when I see how NOT according to my plan things have gone.
But don't they say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?
I'm just begining to realize how insanely true that statement is.
I can't tell you what is going to happen in the future, and you know what? I'm finally to a place that I'm ok with that.
I am not about to spend my life sitting around waiting for it to start.
THIS IS IT.
This is MY life.
I have one shot.
This is my re-commitment to living my life.
I think that part of loving the life that I'm living is to love myself.
That's a hard one sometimes, especially these days when we have people all around us telling us what is beautiful and acceptable.
It's really easy to get caught up in where our flaws are, and even easier to not be able to see what is really beautiful about each of us as individuals.
My first step towards MY life?
My life motto:
I am EXTRAORDINARY.
I meant to accomplish PHENOMINAL things in this life.
I am made to LOVE my life unconditionally.
I am UN-DEFINEABLE because I am absolutely UNIQUE.
EVERYTHING happens to make me grow, to expand my horizons and my understanding and to make me capable of greater and deeper love.
I believe in OPPORTUNITIES at every crossroad.
I believe in following your HEART and not popular opinion.
I will not merely survive this life, I will LOVE this life.
Every year, every day, every minute, every second is mine to ENJOY.
Isn't it great? Anything can happen...
I LOVE MY LIFE :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
NoVeMbEr...
I really love this month.
Actually, I love the next 3 months.
February is a different story, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
This month everyone focuses on being thankful, which is something that I at least TRY to do everyday.
I have found that when I am thankful, I have a more positive outlook on life in general. A while ago I started trying to notice things as I'm driving that I'm thankful for and sending a mini message to the big guy upstairs telling him thanks. You know what I found?
A) Everyday I found more and more things to be thankful for
and
B) My super bad road rage has cooled down quite a bit!
It's amazing really.
The people on the road are no different. The routes I take to certain places are the same as well, but my outlook has changed through being thankful.
It's such a powerful concept really, if you're not being thankful then you're being greedy, no?
I have been blessed in my life to have so much given to me and so many chances to do great things!
What am I thankful for today?
This beautiful month and the fall weather.
My super groovy family.
My awesome friends who are there for me no matter what.
The gospel, I don't even want to think where I'd be without it.
Nitro and Daisy and the unconditional love they have for me.
Having a job in this economy.
Living in a coutry where I am free to think, believe, say and live what I want.
For the amazing men and women who volunteer to defend this country of ours, their sacrifice and service never cease to amaze me.
My health, all things considered, I'm holding up remarkably well!
There are SO many things to be thankful for!! :)
Actually, I love the next 3 months.
February is a different story, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
This month everyone focuses on being thankful, which is something that I at least TRY to do everyday.
I have found that when I am thankful, I have a more positive outlook on life in general. A while ago I started trying to notice things as I'm driving that I'm thankful for and sending a mini message to the big guy upstairs telling him thanks. You know what I found?
A) Everyday I found more and more things to be thankful for
and
B) My super bad road rage has cooled down quite a bit!
It's amazing really.
The people on the road are no different. The routes I take to certain places are the same as well, but my outlook has changed through being thankful.
It's such a powerful concept really, if you're not being thankful then you're being greedy, no?
I have been blessed in my life to have so much given to me and so many chances to do great things!
What am I thankful for today?
This beautiful month and the fall weather.
My super groovy family.
My awesome friends who are there for me no matter what.
The gospel, I don't even want to think where I'd be without it.
Nitro and Daisy and the unconditional love they have for me.
Having a job in this economy.
Living in a coutry where I am free to think, believe, say and live what I want.
For the amazing men and women who volunteer to defend this country of ours, their sacrifice and service never cease to amaze me.
My health, all things considered, I'm holding up remarkably well!
There are SO many things to be thankful for!! :)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Ok I Am Not Complaining, I'm Just Saying...
...that I hate boys.
Or more specifically I hate having crushes on boys.
They suck.
There's no other way to put it.
The worst thing in the world is when you're so enchanted by a boy that you can't even think straight. Really?
No. That is not how this goes. YOU are supposed to be intrigued by ME.
He obviously didn't get the memo.
All of a sudden you're doing things out of character to get him to notice you.
Really?
Ugh.
You can't go places without looking your best because he might or might not be there.
You should be going to those events because you want to be there. But you're going to be around him.
What are you supposed to do with THAT?
AND IT GETS WORSE.
No joke.
He's un-readable.
You don't know whether you're reading too deep into things or if he really is into you.
How are you supposed to decipher that??
And your friends are no help. Of course they're just saying those things to make you feel better.
Thanks a lot guys.
He should not be allowed to toy with you like this.
This is ridiculous.
Every little smile makes your stomach flip.
Seriously?
Then there's the fact that this was acceptable behavior when you were a seventh grade girl, but you're all grown up now and you shouldn't be acting like this.
You're more mature than this.
Moral of the story?
BOYS SUCK!
Or more specifically I hate having crushes on boys.
They suck.
There's no other way to put it.
The worst thing in the world is when you're so enchanted by a boy that you can't even think straight. Really?
No. That is not how this goes. YOU are supposed to be intrigued by ME.
He obviously didn't get the memo.
All of a sudden you're doing things out of character to get him to notice you.
Really?
Ugh.
You can't go places without looking your best because he might or might not be there.
You should be going to those events because you want to be there. But you're going to be around him.
What are you supposed to do with THAT?
AND IT GETS WORSE.
No joke.
He's un-readable.
You don't know whether you're reading too deep into things or if he really is into you.
How are you supposed to decipher that??
And your friends are no help. Of course they're just saying those things to make you feel better.
Thanks a lot guys.
He should not be allowed to toy with you like this.
This is ridiculous.
Every little smile makes your stomach flip.
Seriously?
Then there's the fact that this was acceptable behavior when you were a seventh grade girl, but you're all grown up now and you shouldn't be acting like this.
You're more mature than this.
Moral of the story?
BOYS SUCK!
New Beginings? Yes Please....
Alright folks, here's the deal, I'm in need of a change. So what am I going to do about it?
Let me tell you.
First of all, I'm not going to talk about negative things anymore. I'm not going to complain about my life or my circumstances, and I'm going to look for the best in people and situations.
Second, I'm trying to get a new job. Probably just a branch posting. I had an interview at the airport branch of Zions today and I REALLY want the job! Haha it would truly be the perfect place for me!! If I don't get it though, I might start looking other places, I just need something other than peaktime, you know? It was good while it lasted, but I just feel like it ran its course, and that's totally fine! Maybe I really will just take the plunge and become a trucker? It is possibly the thing that I want most in my life at the moment. The only draw back? It's bad weather season. I don't know how I feel about that. Actually, I do know how I feel about that and I feel pretty terrible with it, so I'll hold off until the spring at least I think.
Third, well...I haven't really gotten to third yet...I'm still working on it. HOWEVER I'm VERY excited for the two that I have so far!
Also, do you want to know what I have for my bucket list so far? I'm going to tell you anyways...
1) Jog on the Great Wall of China
2) Pick pineapples in Hawaii
3) Join the mile high club
4) Go shark diving
5) Become a trucker
6) Learn a new language
7) Get my pilots license
And I'm still working on the rest, but I'm really feeling good about these ones so far :)
Let me tell you.
First of all, I'm not going to talk about negative things anymore. I'm not going to complain about my life or my circumstances, and I'm going to look for the best in people and situations.
Second, I'm trying to get a new job. Probably just a branch posting. I had an interview at the airport branch of Zions today and I REALLY want the job! Haha it would truly be the perfect place for me!! If I don't get it though, I might start looking other places, I just need something other than peaktime, you know? It was good while it lasted, but I just feel like it ran its course, and that's totally fine! Maybe I really will just take the plunge and become a trucker? It is possibly the thing that I want most in my life at the moment. The only draw back? It's bad weather season. I don't know how I feel about that. Actually, I do know how I feel about that and I feel pretty terrible with it, so I'll hold off until the spring at least I think.
Third, well...I haven't really gotten to third yet...I'm still working on it. HOWEVER I'm VERY excited for the two that I have so far!
Also, do you want to know what I have for my bucket list so far? I'm going to tell you anyways...
1) Jog on the Great Wall of China
2) Pick pineapples in Hawaii
3) Join the mile high club
4) Go shark diving
5) Become a trucker
6) Learn a new language
7) Get my pilots license
And I'm still working on the rest, but I'm really feeling good about these ones so far :)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...
You know what the best part of being alive is?
That you get to feel.
The best moments in my day are when something touches my heart and I feel real love for something or someone.
Like cows.
I was never very interested in cows, until I saw a herd at the begining of the summer who had just had little calves and I watched them grow every single day as I drove by that field. They were the sweetest little things.
I now love cows.
I guess that's not really shocking when you think about the fact that I love all animals.
They are just so sweet!
I truly cannot understand how anyone can be mean to another creature.
These innocent little critters don't do anything to harm us, and yet some people feel the need to torment them. All I can wonder is how terrible their little worlds are that they feel the need to inflict pain.
As I say that though, I realize that I'm not always super nice to the PEOPLE around me. I have the whole "loving animals" thing down. But shouldn't loving other people be something that I'm striving for? Probably.
I'm not going to lie. When I look at my life these days, I feel like I'm missing out.
Don't get me wrong. I have a good life.
But it's not the life that I want to be living! I want to be living for a purpose, not just living to survive. No no no.
This won't do. What am I going to do about it?
I'm re-vamping my bucket list.
I made a list when I was 15 years old...I don't know about you guys, but most of the things that I thought when I was 15 are moot points these days, as were some of the items on my list.
I've been thinking about the things that I want to do before I die and there's SO much to choose from!!
But I don't want this to just be a list that I have, but don't really ever do anything on it.
These things are going to happen!!
I will post the list when I finish it.
I want to just let you all know what's making me feel happy these days.
Dr. Pepper.
Semi Trucks.
My dogs.
Art Projects.
Singing Really Really Loud.
Jogging.
Flirting. This one almost always makes me happy ;)
Dressing to Impress.
Old Friends.
Disneyland.
Chocolate.
Blankets.
Longboarding.
Movies. It's semi shocking that this one is on the list...
There are more I'm sure....but these are the biggies lately.
I think that's probably it for now...haha
Love,
Jamie
That you get to feel.
The best moments in my day are when something touches my heart and I feel real love for something or someone.
Like cows.
I was never very interested in cows, until I saw a herd at the begining of the summer who had just had little calves and I watched them grow every single day as I drove by that field. They were the sweetest little things.
I now love cows.
I guess that's not really shocking when you think about the fact that I love all animals.
They are just so sweet!
I truly cannot understand how anyone can be mean to another creature.
These innocent little critters don't do anything to harm us, and yet some people feel the need to torment them. All I can wonder is how terrible their little worlds are that they feel the need to inflict pain.
As I say that though, I realize that I'm not always super nice to the PEOPLE around me. I have the whole "loving animals" thing down. But shouldn't loving other people be something that I'm striving for? Probably.
I'm not going to lie. When I look at my life these days, I feel like I'm missing out.
Don't get me wrong. I have a good life.
But it's not the life that I want to be living! I want to be living for a purpose, not just living to survive. No no no.
This won't do. What am I going to do about it?
I'm re-vamping my bucket list.
I made a list when I was 15 years old...I don't know about you guys, but most of the things that I thought when I was 15 are moot points these days, as were some of the items on my list.
I've been thinking about the things that I want to do before I die and there's SO much to choose from!!
But I don't want this to just be a list that I have, but don't really ever do anything on it.
These things are going to happen!!
I will post the list when I finish it.
I want to just let you all know what's making me feel happy these days.
Dr. Pepper.
Semi Trucks.
My dogs.
Art Projects.
Singing Really Really Loud.
Jogging.
Flirting. This one almost always makes me happy ;)
Dressing to Impress.
Old Friends.
Disneyland.
Chocolate.
Blankets.
Longboarding.
Movies. It's semi shocking that this one is on the list...
There are more I'm sure....but these are the biggies lately.
I think that's probably it for now...haha
Love,
Jamie
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
In the Meantime...
"Some boys gonna break your heart into a million pieces,
make you feel like you wanna die.
In the meantime you're gonna wonder what's your purpose,
question God and tell some lies.
One day you'll figure out, this circus we call livin,
when that happens you'll be fine.
SO JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME.
So take in everything, go on and have your fun,
you don't wanna miss a thing, you'll find out when you're done,
you make your way into who you've become.
In the meantime you're gonna think you hate your parents,
take some stupid chances, swim against the tide.
One day you'll wake up wiser, tired of being tired,
find your eyes were open wide,
JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME.
So cut yourself some slack, don't overanalyze it,
the truth is somewher down the line,
just try to learn or laugh or love in the meantime,
I promise that will be enough."
Oh man, I'm LOVING this song right now! And I only found it like 5 minutes ago on itunes, but it speaks directly to my soul.
Really though.
Such a good life motto song.
You know what else I'm loving at the current moment? Endorphins.
Jogging may be killer when you haven't done it in a couple of months, but you sure feel good after. Not to mention that when you're listening to your music loud and pushing yourself you feel unbeatable. SUCH a rush.
Coming back home after a much needed girls weekend to Disneyland has made me sort of stop to think about my life and if I like where it's going. These days it doesn't seem like I have much choice about the direction that it's taking. So much is out of my hands. But I have realized that I can control how I handle my feelings. Being mad isn't helping anything or anyone. Granted, there are some moments where I ALMOST feel justified in my anger...almost.
So when I feel that anger coming on, I'm going to do something to get those good feelings going again. Go for a jog. Laugh with people I love. Call my Dad on the phone to say hi. Play with my dogs.
When everything started to peak a couple of months ago, I thought that I had myself under control. No biggie.
Turns out it is a bigger deal than I originally thought.
To say that I'm having an early midlife crisis is probably a pretty accurate statement. A lot is going on all at once and everything in my life is changing. I was comfortable with how things were. I LIKED how things were. I think I'm learning a life lesson here. Things will never go back to how they were, I have to take the hand I'm dealt and play it the best that I can. When that means questioning everything that you've ever know, or relied on, it can be super uneasy. Realizing that there is nothing in this world that is fail proof, even the things that were so beyond the possibility of ever falling through is a pretty big awakening.
And it hurts.
Sometimes it hurts so deep that you have to gasp just to keep breathing. This was your world, your whole life were built around these things, and all of a sudden they're just not there anymore? And when people around you are bluffing their way through with smiling faces when you're aching so bad inside, what do you do? Scream and rock the boat? No, you can't do that. The boat is already sunk. But still, you don't want to cause more waves. So you start to fake it too.
Is that any way to be living?
Faking it every day?
But what's the alternative?
Being miserable?
This is all such new territory. I don't really know how to handle it.
But "fake it till you make it" seems inappropriate considering the circumstances.
I guess I'll just go with
JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME...
make you feel like you wanna die.
In the meantime you're gonna wonder what's your purpose,
question God and tell some lies.
One day you'll figure out, this circus we call livin,
when that happens you'll be fine.
SO JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME.
So take in everything, go on and have your fun,
you don't wanna miss a thing, you'll find out when you're done,
you make your way into who you've become.
In the meantime you're gonna think you hate your parents,
take some stupid chances, swim against the tide.
One day you'll wake up wiser, tired of being tired,
find your eyes were open wide,
JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME.
So cut yourself some slack, don't overanalyze it,
the truth is somewher down the line,
just try to learn or laugh or love in the meantime,
I promise that will be enough."
Oh man, I'm LOVING this song right now! And I only found it like 5 minutes ago on itunes, but it speaks directly to my soul.
Really though.
Such a good life motto song.
You know what else I'm loving at the current moment? Endorphins.
Jogging may be killer when you haven't done it in a couple of months, but you sure feel good after. Not to mention that when you're listening to your music loud and pushing yourself you feel unbeatable. SUCH a rush.
Coming back home after a much needed girls weekend to Disneyland has made me sort of stop to think about my life and if I like where it's going. These days it doesn't seem like I have much choice about the direction that it's taking. So much is out of my hands. But I have realized that I can control how I handle my feelings. Being mad isn't helping anything or anyone. Granted, there are some moments where I ALMOST feel justified in my anger...almost.
So when I feel that anger coming on, I'm going to do something to get those good feelings going again. Go for a jog. Laugh with people I love. Call my Dad on the phone to say hi. Play with my dogs.
When everything started to peak a couple of months ago, I thought that I had myself under control. No biggie.
Turns out it is a bigger deal than I originally thought.
To say that I'm having an early midlife crisis is probably a pretty accurate statement. A lot is going on all at once and everything in my life is changing. I was comfortable with how things were. I LIKED how things were. I think I'm learning a life lesson here. Things will never go back to how they were, I have to take the hand I'm dealt and play it the best that I can. When that means questioning everything that you've ever know, or relied on, it can be super uneasy. Realizing that there is nothing in this world that is fail proof, even the things that were so beyond the possibility of ever falling through is a pretty big awakening.
And it hurts.
Sometimes it hurts so deep that you have to gasp just to keep breathing. This was your world, your whole life were built around these things, and all of a sudden they're just not there anymore? And when people around you are bluffing their way through with smiling faces when you're aching so bad inside, what do you do? Scream and rock the boat? No, you can't do that. The boat is already sunk. But still, you don't want to cause more waves. So you start to fake it too.
Is that any way to be living?
Faking it every day?
But what's the alternative?
Being miserable?
This is all such new territory. I don't really know how to handle it.
But "fake it till you make it" seems inappropriate considering the circumstances.
I guess I'll just go with
JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Airports and Airplanes...
Oh, I just want to dedicate this blog to my love of airports in every aspect of them.
I love everything about them. If you're going there, it's generally for one of two things.
A) To go on a super fun trip
or
B) To pick up a loved one that you haven't seen for a while.
It's a win win.
Then there's the fact that I love airplanes. It's probably becasue I LOVE flying!
It's one of life's greatest joys, that's what I always say.
There's also the wicked people watching that goes on there. My sister and I filled an entire hour and a half watching people! I love doing that under normal circumstances, but doing it at the airport is even better!!
It truly made me want to go on a trip. Ok fine. I convinced myself.
In the meantime though, I think I'm going to apply for the position at the Zions branch in the airport, how sweet would that be??
I LOVE AIRPORTS.
I love everything about them. If you're going there, it's generally for one of two things.
A) To go on a super fun trip
or
B) To pick up a loved one that you haven't seen for a while.
It's a win win.
Then there's the fact that I love airplanes. It's probably becasue I LOVE flying!
It's one of life's greatest joys, that's what I always say.
There's also the wicked people watching that goes on there. My sister and I filled an entire hour and a half watching people! I love doing that under normal circumstances, but doing it at the airport is even better!!
It truly made me want to go on a trip. Ok fine. I convinced myself.
In the meantime though, I think I'm going to apply for the position at the Zions branch in the airport, how sweet would that be??
I LOVE AIRPORTS.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thoughts on my Mind...
Tonight I watched the news footage of the heroic efforts to save those 33 Chilean miners who have been trapped underground for the last 69 days.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I totally started crying.
Then, and this part was pretty cool, I said a prayer for comfort for all of those miners, as they're still underground, or on their way up or above ground. It felt really really cool to be adding my prayers to those of millions all over the world. SO COOL.
Then I started researching the whole story and I got a new hero, a man named Manuel Gonzalez. This guy is amazing. He's the rescue worker who volunteered to go down 2,050 feet below the ground to help out these miners. I watched the video clips of him getting down there and started crying again. This guy is amazing. I can think of very few places that I would rather be less than being lowered in that super claustrophobic space that far underground. Oh man.
Then, before I knew it, there was some message about another Hollywood divorce taking place.
That just didn't sit very well with me.
There are these men going through all sorts of hell and this Hollywood couple is worthy of sharing the same news feed?
No bueno.
This got me thinking about how we idolize the wrong things a lot of the time. Who do we look up to and admire and strive to emulate? Most often it's all of the wrong people. I know I do sometimes.
Then I remembered a picture that I saw in an institue class a while ago and I googled it and found that there is a whole "Real Heroes" campaign from this LDS artist and I fell in love with this idea!! (Not so much all of the artwork, although some are really awesome, just not all of them are my favorite...)
Who ARE my heroes?
Manuel Gonzalez is my hero for today.
(And there was also a Navy paramedic who went down too. He is my hero too.)
But who will my heroes be tomorrow? I'm going to make a concerted effort to pick them more carefully from now on. God bless those miners :)
I'm not ashamed to admit that I totally started crying.
Then, and this part was pretty cool, I said a prayer for comfort for all of those miners, as they're still underground, or on their way up or above ground. It felt really really cool to be adding my prayers to those of millions all over the world. SO COOL.
Then I started researching the whole story and I got a new hero, a man named Manuel Gonzalez. This guy is amazing. He's the rescue worker who volunteered to go down 2,050 feet below the ground to help out these miners. I watched the video clips of him getting down there and started crying again. This guy is amazing. I can think of very few places that I would rather be less than being lowered in that super claustrophobic space that far underground. Oh man.
Then, before I knew it, there was some message about another Hollywood divorce taking place.
That just didn't sit very well with me.
There are these men going through all sorts of hell and this Hollywood couple is worthy of sharing the same news feed?
No bueno.
This got me thinking about how we idolize the wrong things a lot of the time. Who do we look up to and admire and strive to emulate? Most often it's all of the wrong people. I know I do sometimes.
Then I remembered a picture that I saw in an institue class a while ago and I googled it and found that there is a whole "Real Heroes" campaign from this LDS artist and I fell in love with this idea!! (Not so much all of the artwork, although some are really awesome, just not all of them are my favorite...)
Who ARE my heroes?
Manuel Gonzalez is my hero for today.
(And there was also a Navy paramedic who went down too. He is my hero too.)
But who will my heroes be tomorrow? I'm going to make a concerted effort to pick them more carefully from now on. God bless those miners :)
Friday, October 8, 2010
Semis, Simplicity, and Slumber Parties...
You know those times in your life when you are tired?
I know you do.
The ones where you're not necessarily faking being happy all of the time, but over all you're so sad that it keeps creeping up on you (and you know it's coming dang it) until it finally catches up to you and it's all you can do to pull yourself out of bed in the mornings?
Yeah, me too.
You really don't see how you're ever going to be truly happy again.
There's really no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a glimmer of a light.
There just appears to be nothing.
You're not getting any inspiration from anything around you.
And you can go ahead and forget about divine inspiration.
The things that you always knew were there for you to count on have completely changed.
They're no longer constants.
Pieces of them, maybe.
Fragments of the whole that you thought would be the thing you could always fall back on.
Then you wake up one day and it's gone.
What are you supposed to do then?
PRAY.
I don't care how you do it; whether it's on your knees, in a yoga pose, or through writing music or poetry. Whatever floats your boat at this point. Whatever allows you to feel connected in any way, shape or form to a higher power.
Because I have come to see that, no matter what on earth happens to you, the one thing that you can ALWAYS do is pray.
To God.
To Buddha.
To the Universe.
I don't care.
Just pray.
It's the one place that you can truly let every feeling, every emotion, every secret out. There's no one waiting to judge you. There's no one there vocally giving you advice. There's no one giving you empty words of comfort.
There's just occasional peace.
I say occasional because it doesn't happen all of the time.
Sometimes you don't feel anything different.
But every now and then you'll have a MOMENT.
A second where you truly forget the aching that your heart has been non stop doing.
A second where you feel like your old self again. Where you're not hurting. A second where the pain ceases, for just a moment.
It's the moment right after the one where you're wondering what on Earth you're doing sitting among thousands of people in a church gathering, for a religion that you don't know if you can even handle at the moment because of all the talk of eternal things. Then a man stands up, the heavens open and he delivers an entire twenty minute talk on simplicity. One that was crafted by that higher power to speak DIRECTLY to me. In the very second that I needed it.
Simplicity.
The moment that you hear the truck engine running outside of your house even though it's supposed to be on a highway somewhere other than here and you go for a twenty minute ride in one of the most majestic machines ever crafted, with some of the most important people in the world to you.
Semis.
The moment where you're all hunkered down among pillows and blankets with your popcorn, candy and sodas watching a comedy. A comedy that makes you truly laugh. (You remember, that feeling that you had almost forgotten about?) You're laying there surrounded by people that are never in the same room together anymore. People who you used to spend time with carefree, but who those moments don't happen with anymore.
Slumber parties.
Those brief, fleeting answers to prayers.
The ones that you want to hold on to so bad that you almost cry when you think back to them.
The ones where everything seems so simple again.
The ones that are truly sent from God to remind you that there is hope. That things will turn around again. That you won't always feel so filled with dispair. That you will be truly happy again. That there IS someone up there who truly cares about you, however foreign that concept may seem at the time.
The ones that allow you to get up off of the ground and put just one foot in front of the other just one more time....
Thank God for those moments.
I know you do.
The ones where you're not necessarily faking being happy all of the time, but over all you're so sad that it keeps creeping up on you (and you know it's coming dang it) until it finally catches up to you and it's all you can do to pull yourself out of bed in the mornings?
Yeah, me too.
You really don't see how you're ever going to be truly happy again.
There's really no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a glimmer of a light.
There just appears to be nothing.
You're not getting any inspiration from anything around you.
And you can go ahead and forget about divine inspiration.
The things that you always knew were there for you to count on have completely changed.
They're no longer constants.
Pieces of them, maybe.
Fragments of the whole that you thought would be the thing you could always fall back on.
Then you wake up one day and it's gone.
What are you supposed to do then?
PRAY.
I don't care how you do it; whether it's on your knees, in a yoga pose, or through writing music or poetry. Whatever floats your boat at this point. Whatever allows you to feel connected in any way, shape or form to a higher power.
Because I have come to see that, no matter what on earth happens to you, the one thing that you can ALWAYS do is pray.
To God.
To Buddha.
To the Universe.
I don't care.
Just pray.
It's the one place that you can truly let every feeling, every emotion, every secret out. There's no one waiting to judge you. There's no one there vocally giving you advice. There's no one giving you empty words of comfort.
There's just occasional peace.
I say occasional because it doesn't happen all of the time.
Sometimes you don't feel anything different.
But every now and then you'll have a MOMENT.
A second where you truly forget the aching that your heart has been non stop doing.
A second where you feel like your old self again. Where you're not hurting. A second where the pain ceases, for just a moment.
It's the moment right after the one where you're wondering what on Earth you're doing sitting among thousands of people in a church gathering, for a religion that you don't know if you can even handle at the moment because of all the talk of eternal things. Then a man stands up, the heavens open and he delivers an entire twenty minute talk on simplicity. One that was crafted by that higher power to speak DIRECTLY to me. In the very second that I needed it.
Simplicity.
The moment that you hear the truck engine running outside of your house even though it's supposed to be on a highway somewhere other than here and you go for a twenty minute ride in one of the most majestic machines ever crafted, with some of the most important people in the world to you.
Semis.
The moment where you're all hunkered down among pillows and blankets with your popcorn, candy and sodas watching a comedy. A comedy that makes you truly laugh. (You remember, that feeling that you had almost forgotten about?) You're laying there surrounded by people that are never in the same room together anymore. People who you used to spend time with carefree, but who those moments don't happen with anymore.
Slumber parties.
Those brief, fleeting answers to prayers.
The ones that you want to hold on to so bad that you almost cry when you think back to them.
The ones where everything seems so simple again.
The ones that are truly sent from God to remind you that there is hope. That things will turn around again. That you won't always feel so filled with dispair. That you will be truly happy again. That there IS someone up there who truly cares about you, however foreign that concept may seem at the time.
The ones that allow you to get up off of the ground and put just one foot in front of the other just one more time....
Thank God for those moments.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I Am So Embarrassed...
Oh my gosh. I meant LonGboarding is the Love of my Life. Seriously. You'd think if I was really that in love with it that I could spell it right.
I suck.
I suck.
Lonboarding is the Love of my Life...
Well, well, well, it's been a long couple of days haha
I thought that cutting up my leg was the worst of the longboarding injuries.
I was wrong.
Jade and I went longboard window shopping and, wouldn't you know it, we walked away with two brand new longboards! Oh man, don't you just hate it when that happens? Me too.
So, of course, we couldn't wait to try those babies out!! So we did what anyone would have done. We took them down Provo Canyon :)
The first run was super great.
The second run, not so much. I may or may not have fallen. Don't worry though, my face broke the fall. Oh man, oh man, so we went to the ER in Provo and it turns out I have a concusion as well as a super nasty black eye. Hell yeah. Haha that on top of all of the other longboarding injuries make me look pretty legit!
The sucky part here? Oh yeah, that I spent money (that I probably didn't have in the first place) on a longboard, then I got slapped with the ER visit costs AND I have missed 2 1/2 days of work because of it.
I think this is one of those "learning curve" experiences that you always hear about.
I've only been off of my board for a day and a half and I'm already itching to get back onto it...much to my mothers dismay.
I just LOVE longboarding!
Granted, I should have probably been wearing a helmet. The ironic part here? That before we even went on our first run down the canyon I even said, "Hey guys, we should probably wear helmets like those guys!" Ugh. Point taken.
The doctors and nurses in the hospital were very vocal about how everyone should never longboard. Yeah...right... (they were talking about it right outside of my curtain 'A longboarding accident...' 'Wasn't wearing a helmet..' Thanks guys, I GET IT.)
Then there were the more reasonable ones who, instead of suggesting that I burn my longboards, simply told me to wear a helmet. Then, when they could see that they weren't getting through to me, told me horror stories about people dying or becoming quadriplegics. Yeah, I don't really like either of those options. So my solution?
I'm going to wear a helmet!!!
...it's weird really that my longboarding hat didn't break the fall....
You may be asking yourself right about now if ANYTHING good has come of my longboarding love affair.
Yes.
What?
Let me tell you.
First, WEAR A HELMET. Not only do I look ridiculous, but my entire face is sore and I have a headache like you would not believe.
Second, don't wear shorts when longboarding. That's how my leg ended up looking slightly bloody.
Third, when going slowly, beware of large cracks. Your wheels WILL catch on them, and your board will stop without you. Hence, the road burn on my elbow.
Fourth, when longboarding at night, either use a light or don't, don't use it every now and then. Your eyes won't adjust fast enough and sometimes that leads to minor crashes.
Fifth, when you see a fellow longboarder eat it, don't laugh. The karma gods don't like it much and it will come back to bite you in the butt, sometimes quite literally.
And finally,
Fifth (and most important) I have learned that longboarding can be compared to life. It's an awesome ride, and most of the time, it's super fun, even when it's a bit scary. Then there are the times when you wipe out. And it hurts. But you get up, you dust yourself off, you laugh at how embarassing that was, and you hop back on and continue because the ride is far too great to miss out on.
HAHAHAHA HECK YES I just finished that blog with that super cheesy life analogy! HA! Take that concussion, you may be able to make my head hurt and my eye swell shut, but I'm still super funny! ;)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Shake It Up...
There are times in life when you feel like you've gone stale.
It's in those times that I like to listen to Michael Franti's Shake It song.
That and I try to find soemthing new to do, or to learn, or to make.
What have I done lately?
Well, I finished a book called the Greatest Knight. It was a super good book and it helped me learn more about a period in medieval history that I didn't know very much about at all. The main character was loyal and true to himself and his word, both attributes that I would like to cultivate more. Did it make me think? Check.
I went longboarding in Provo canyon with some friends and may or may not have eaten it. I don't know. I guess this was a lesson for me in humility. I was getting far too confident in my excellent longboarding skills and ended up being my own downfall I'm afraid! Did it make me feel something? Yes, pain. Check.
I attended the Saturday morning session of general conference, and although I haven't really been feeling much of anything along the "spiritual" path lately, I did enjoy being there. I felt peace, which is a feeling that I don't get much of these days. That and Elder Uchtdorf gave an amazing talk about simplicity. I love that man. Did it inspire me? Check.
I also picked up a copy of David Wolfe's book "Eating for Beauty" and I am going to read it, and then rededicate myself (for like the 3rd time) to eating better foods that will allow me to think better and feel better. Did it get me thinking about a rut in my life? Check.
None of these things were super huge, but at least they're something, right? Even if it is just reminding me that I'm alive and there are still things to be thankful for in my life :)
It's in those times that I like to listen to Michael Franti's Shake It song.
That and I try to find soemthing new to do, or to learn, or to make.
What have I done lately?
Well, I finished a book called the Greatest Knight. It was a super good book and it helped me learn more about a period in medieval history that I didn't know very much about at all. The main character was loyal and true to himself and his word, both attributes that I would like to cultivate more. Did it make me think? Check.
I went longboarding in Provo canyon with some friends and may or may not have eaten it. I don't know. I guess this was a lesson for me in humility. I was getting far too confident in my excellent longboarding skills and ended up being my own downfall I'm afraid! Did it make me feel something? Yes, pain. Check.
I attended the Saturday morning session of general conference, and although I haven't really been feeling much of anything along the "spiritual" path lately, I did enjoy being there. I felt peace, which is a feeling that I don't get much of these days. That and Elder Uchtdorf gave an amazing talk about simplicity. I love that man. Did it inspire me? Check.
I also picked up a copy of David Wolfe's book "Eating for Beauty" and I am going to read it, and then rededicate myself (for like the 3rd time) to eating better foods that will allow me to think better and feel better. Did it get me thinking about a rut in my life? Check.
None of these things were super huge, but at least they're something, right? Even if it is just reminding me that I'm alive and there are still things to be thankful for in my life :)
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