In the Meantime...

"Some boys gonna break your heart into a million pieces,
make you feel like you wanna die.
In the meantime you're gonna wonder what's your purpose,
question God and tell some lies.

One day you'll figure out, this circus we call livin,
when that happens you'll be fine.
SO JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME.

So take in everything, go on and have your fun,
you don't wanna miss a thing, you'll find out when you're done,
you make your way into who you've become.

In the meantime you're gonna think you hate your parents,
take some stupid chances, swim against the tide.

One day you'll wake up wiser, tired of being tired,
find your eyes were open wide,
JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME.

So cut yourself some slack, don't overanalyze it,
the truth is somewher down the line,
just try to learn or laugh or love in the meantime,
I promise that will be enough."

Oh man, I'm LOVING this song right now! And I only found it like 5 minutes ago on itunes, but it speaks directly to my soul.
Really though.
Such a good life motto song.

You know what else I'm loving at the current moment? Endorphins.
Jogging may be killer when you haven't done it in a couple of months, but you sure feel good after. Not to mention that when you're listening to your music loud and pushing yourself you feel unbeatable. SUCH a rush.

Coming back home after a much needed girls weekend to Disneyland has made me sort of stop to think about my life and if I like where it's going. These days it doesn't seem like I have much choice about the direction that it's taking. So much is out of my hands. But I have realized that I can control how I handle my feelings. Being mad isn't helping anything or anyone. Granted, there are some moments where I ALMOST feel justified in my anger...almost.
So when I feel that anger coming on, I'm going to do something to get those good feelings going again. Go for a jog. Laugh with people I love. Call my Dad on the phone to say hi. Play with my dogs.
When everything started to peak a couple of months ago, I thought that I had myself under control. No biggie.

Turns out it is a bigger deal than I originally thought.

To say that I'm having an early midlife crisis is probably a pretty accurate statement. A lot is going on all at once and everything in my life is changing. I was comfortable with how things were. I LIKED how things were. I think I'm learning a life lesson here. Things will never go back to how they were, I have to take the hand I'm dealt and play it the best that I can. When that means questioning everything that you've ever know, or relied on, it can be super uneasy. Realizing that there is nothing in this world that is fail proof, even the things that were so beyond the possibility of ever falling through is a pretty big awakening.

And it hurts.
Sometimes it hurts so deep that you have to gasp just to keep breathing. This was your world, your whole life were built around these things, and all of a sudden they're just not there anymore? And when people around you are bluffing their way through with smiling faces when you're aching so bad inside, what do you do? Scream and rock the boat? No, you can't do that. The boat is already sunk. But still, you don't want to cause more waves. So you start to fake it too.
Is that any way to be living?
Faking it every day?
But what's the alternative?
Being miserable?
This is all such new territory. I don't really know how to handle it.
But "fake it till you make it" seems inappropriate considering the circumstances.

I guess I'll just go with
JUST TRY TO LEARN OR LAUGH OR LOVE IN THE MEANTIME...