Sometimes I Stress Myself Out...

I love my life. Really, I do. But sometimes, when I really start thinking (I know, this is dangerous ground), I start thinking about where I should be compared to others my age. I think about my education, which at this point is virtually non-existent. I think about my spirituality, which coincidentally is about at the same place as my education at this moment. I think about my career path so far, quitting a "real" job to become a trucker...yeah, that's pretty typical. I think about my romantic life in comparison to friends who are already married and having babies, we're not really on the same playing field right now. All of these thoughts, every now and then, whir around in my head and just won't stop!

So here I sit, after trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep for a couple of hours, it's almost one o clock, contemplating my life. You know what? I couldn't define it, or explain it even if I had to. I don't know where I'm going, or which direction I'm heading and as much as I love the element of surprise that comes with living like that, every now and then, the silence of the sleepless night creeps up and I start stressing. Maybe this is just the way it goes, the grass is greener syndrome in action, but thinking that doesn't help calm my worries.

What if I'm missing out on the life that I should be living? What if I'm heading in the complete opposite direction of my pre-destined course? Do I even have a pre-destined course? Am I going to look back on this segment of my life and regret how I played my hand? Should I not be dropping everything to chase some random dream? Should I be buckling down and plowing ahead with an education that I'm just not feeling? Is there more that I can be doing to find my spirituality again? Or is this just a lul, everyone has those right?
Mostly, as I sit here, venting my frustrations to the world, I just wonder why I'm wasting so much time and energy worrying about these things? Why can't I just always, 100% of the time love the life that I'm living? I have been an active creator in this life, so why am I never completely satisfied? These are things that I have chosen for myself, shouldn't I be completely satisfied?

...then I sit back and think about all of these questions, and I smile to myself as I realize that doubts are part of the experience. Second guessing your decisions is part of the whole adventure I think. If there was no danger of failing, there would be no reward in succeeding would there? And if there were no success, there would be no sense of fulfilment and in turn happiness.

So, just minutes after sitting down to write, I leave with a renewed patience with myself. If I weren't thinking these things through, that's when I should be worried. For now, I'm just going to smile at these thoughts and let them keep on chattering to themselves, but as for me, I'm planning on catching some shut eye because tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life after all, and I should probably be well rested for it :)

Aroha