I don't know what the deal is lately, but my life has become a completely new place to live! The way I see and perceive things, the way I feel things, the way things appear in my life and the feelings I have towards events in my life. Who knew that I could keep surprising myself even after twenty-two years of living with myself?
One of the biggest shifts in thought patterns that I have noticed is my restlessness with the typical "life" that the majority of people around me live. I don't know what's changed, or what set me on this course of thinking, maybe it was just programmed into me to be set off right now in life? Whatever it is, there is not an hour that goes by that I don't observe the people surrounding me and see them with their 9-5 jobs, their houses and families, all living within a 50 mile radius on this whole earth and (get this) they're happy to be living like that. True story. This had never really given me cause to despair before a couple of months ago, but now I want to SCREAM! I can't live like that. As I go to work every day at the bank, I can almost literally feel the life being sucked out of me for the hours that I'm there. Not that I don't enjoy the people around me (for the most part), it's just that I stand there for up to nine hours at a time, performing a routine over, and over, and over again. I know that my job is not the only one like that either. I know that's the majority of jobs that people have. Now, I want to put out a disclaimer of sorts here, if that's something that is going to make you happy then, by all means, go for it. I just know that this is not going to be enough for me. It's impossible for me to describe this feeling adequately, it's just this churning inside of me, that keeps getting bigger and bigger and isn't going away. It's always sort of been there, but now it's impossible for me to ignore.
I think I just love the unknown. I love not knowing how something is going to turn out. I love being able to create a situation, or life, all my own. How empowering is that? I'm in control of how my life turns out. I really hate that we're all so programmed to think that without a paper saying we've (literally) paid and worked away a portion of our lives, that we're a failure. I don't buy that for a minute. What if I don't live past 24 and I spent all of that time working and slaving for something that NEVER gets to be mine? I've heard lately a couple of people from high school voice how unhappy they are with their lives so far, either because of choices they've made or how they've been slaving away for a degree. What if they were to die tomorrow? That's really how they spent their lives? No. That's not alright.
I believe that life is meant to be enjoyed while learning lessons. So you made a couple bad choices, raise your hand if you haven't. We've all been there. It's all in your attitude about it and what you learned from it. Plus, a lot of great stories from my life stem from some terrible calls. It's all part of the course. Getting hung up on those things is only going to cause grief. I would personally rather live my life happily than regretting all of the things that I've done.
I guess what I really wanted to say in this long post is that I'm super happy to only have 3 weeks left of my soul being drained at the bank and I really, truly cannot WAIT to hit the road and try a different adventure!
Love,
Jamie
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