Week 2: Understanding

Two weeks in a row of resolution keeping is probably a new record for me. Let's all take a moment to appreciate this moment....

Alright, so calm energy was a pretty great week. I felt a shift in myself and I even had someone comment on Ollie being better behaved. *Disclaimer-that is not to be taken as he is well behaved, just better behaved.* The next area of focus for me?

Understanding.

This wasn't something that I thought I had an issue with, I was fairly confident that I was the most understanding person on Earth, duh. Then this issue started coming up across the board with people around me. Things started getting wild in my life, and as I was making decisions that I knew in my gut to the be the right ones for me, people around me were having a hard time accepting them. My instant reaction? To take offence...every...single...time. I have been getting my knickers all up in a twist lately about people judging and not giving my choices and the people involved in them the benefit of the doubt. If these people really love me and think that I have my head on straight, they should just trust me, right?

Then it dawned on me, I am constantly judging people and you can't be understanding of others if you're critiquing their lives. I don't think that it comes from a bitchy place inside, more of a social one. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a super private person. Lately though, this whole "open book" philosophy has kind of bitten me in the ass. Along with being so open with my life, comes welcoming the backlash of people's opinions. Why is this suddenly an issue twenty-four years in? I haven't ever been in a relationship with someone that I see a long term (lifetime?) commitment with. I've had such limited relationships with people previously that any "history" with those people haven't really mattered. I've just always shared everything about those flings with my people.

Now, in hind sight, I wish that I wouldn't have been so open about things with the boyfriend. But who knew that this guy had staying power? That on top of the fact that a lot of intense shit went down within the first six months has just been a recipe for disaster. Do I wish that I would have handled the situation differently? Yes. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would keep my private life more private (there's a new concept), but you know what? That had never been a real issue for me before. Lesson learned. As far as I'm concerned, I've moved on.

Well, good for me, but that doesn't change the fact that people in my circle have already formed their own opinions. I have spent countless hours stressing about changing their minds about my life and where I'm aiming it. I want everyone to be as ok as I am with my choices. 

It hasn't been working. 

Turns out I can't will them to comply. 

So, the way I see it, I can either keep on obsessing about having their whole hearted (and not completely fake) blessings, or I can just chalk it up to a lesson learned and change myself so that it isn't a wasted opportunity. 

I'm a major contributing factor in this entire mess that I'm sat in the middle of. Clearly, I don't want to stay here. I can't do any more damage control than I have already done, so I'm moving on. I don't ever want someone who has confided in me about an issue in their life to feel like I'm not supportive of them. It's not necessarily a feeling that I'm crazy about myself. I also don't want people to stop telling me things because they're afraid that I won't be able to not be judgmental. So I have to be understanding. The whole "walk a mile in their shoes" thing all of a sudden hits really close to home. We are all doing the very best that we can on our own journeys, the last thing any of us need is to be beaten down by those close to us.

So the goal for this week/I feel like I should make this one a lifetime thing, is to work on simply not "catch up" about others with third parties. The basics are just fine, but anything that is remotely personal is off of the discussion table. Is this going to change the dynamic of some regular lunch dates in my life? Yeah it is, I'm going to have to Google some random conversation topics or something, but I know deep down that this is going to be a change for the better for me, and really, I want to be freakin awesome, not just mediocre.

Word.