Getting Old...

Being 22 years old can be great.

Sometimes I have a hard time with the whole concept of "growing up." I don't like getting older, because along with getting older comes more responsibility and more pressure from outside sources to rush into things that you don't want to do. I decided before this last birth day that I was not going to count years anymore. I don't like the whole idea. We should all be counted as old as we feel/act. That's what I believe. Our "progress" in life shouldn't be measured by the years that we've lived. Just because one route worked out for someone in their late teens/early twenties-that doesn't mean that it's going to work out that way for everyone. Shouldn't we judge ourselves and see others by what they've accomplished? Who is to say that getting a college degree is any more or any less impressive than creating a public campaign for something that you believe in? Or that having a good paying job is any more fulfilling than making a meager living expressing yourself through art? I don't get it.

I am not going to live my life that way. It's just not for me. I can feel it in my bones. I'm not meant to live a conventional life. It's never been what I've wanted. A lot of people have a 5 year plan, or a 10 year plan, or a 6 month plan. I don't. And you know what? Enough people were telling me that I needed to figure my life out and get a plan locked down that I started worrying about it. I started trying to figure out where I wanted to be in the future. Then I got discouraged when I couldn't envision myself down the line. I started believing that it meant that I had no future. What a depressing thought. Then I stepped back and looked at my life. I'm known for making spontaneous decisions and not being able to commit to save my life. So why on earth did I think that I could come up with a plan for the rest of my life?? First, I have no idea how long this beautiful life of mine is going to be-how can you plan for that? What if in order to get to where I "see" myself in 20 years, I have to give up all of my time now, and then I get hit by a bus the day before I reach that goal and never get to be "happy" living the life that I saw? Shouldn't I be happy living my life every single day? I believe so. And second, I have a love of the unknown. I don't like the mundane or normal. I don't want to have it all planned out. That takes away the fun. Where is the spirit of adventure in that? If my time is just a matter of weeks, I don't want to look back when I get to wherever it is I'm going and regret not living it when I had the chance. Who wants that?

On that note, a lot of my life up to this point has been lived in fear of consequences that were supposed to come when this life is over. I started to think about that, and it started bugging me. Why am I making choices for THIS life, based on ANOTHER life that is yet to come? I didn't like that much. I was constantly being bombarded with promises of what "righteous" living would bring me in the next life, or the consequences of "unrighteous" living would bring. Somehow, those rules that were being preached, never really sat right with me. I believe in following my gut, and letting the inner, wiser me make the calls on my behalf. When I realized that what was being taught and what I was feeling were in stark contrast, I knew that I had to make a change. So I did. And you know what? I have never felt so free, or so light, or so happy in my entire life. I'm discovering that I have my very own moral compass that I can follow. I have my very own relationship with the divine that I can cultivate. I have my very own spirit that is growing in leaps and bounds.

I believe that experiences like this are what life should be made of. Asking questions and seeking answers should be a daily occurrence. Creativity should be cultivated daily, not just when you set the time aside to be "creative." Living life the way that you feel it's meant to be lived is the only fulfilling way to live. I love my life, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's so beautiful, why waste it counting it in numbers? :)

Aroha